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25 Anthony Weiner Headlines I Made Up
- Updated: July 25, 2013
So, wait, this is a blog dedicated to UT sports, right? So why is there a piece about Anthony Weiner headlines?
Regardless, deal with it. Or don’t. I’m cool if you bail. Because I get it. You’re not here to read about political schmucks. But that doesn’t mean I won’t post about the biggest political schmuck of them all.
Because I will. Hell, I’ll sit here and pound out Weiner content all damn day if I want to.
But first, let’s hit rewind and set the table for those who may be confused:
The other night, I’m sitting there minding my own business, when I noticed that Carlos Danger was trending on Twitter.
Who’s Carlos Danger?
A quick Google gave me my answer: Carlos Danger is the alias for Arnold Horshack doppelgänger, Anthony Weiner, who, you might recall, last made headlines for his, um, textually charged extramarital relationships.
Well, that’s not really true. He last made headlines when he decided to go all Marion Barry and run for Mayor of New York City. After all, America’s a sucker for a redemption story, right?
Maybe so, but Weiner seems hellbent on testing fate. As it was uncovered yesterday that he has once again sent lewd, sexually charged texts to yet another young woman just 12 months after his publicly humiliating fall from grace.
I’m not sure which is more unbelieable; the fact that Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin is standing by her man AGAIN or the fact that this unfortunate scenario befell a man with the last name of Weiner. Because, seriously, y’all, it’s comedy gold.
Which is why I went, um, nuts with the Weiner headlines last night. Well, that and the fact I’m like 15 or something.
Regardless, something about Weiner kinda, um, rubs me the wrong way. I think it’s that even when he’s engaged in shameful behavior, Weiner still comes off so, I dunno, cocky, I guess. Or cocksure, maybe. Which is the real reason why I decided to make up
25 Anthony Weiner Headlines
New Yorkers May Have To Carry On With Their Weiner Out
Many Long To See Weiner Ridden Out Of Town
Wife Stands Behind Weiner (Don’t try that one at home, kids.)
Pelosi Not Surprised. Has Seen This Type Of Stuff Coming From Weiner Before.
Press Eager To Roast Weiner
Resolute Weiner’s Head Held High
Even As Pressure Mounts, Weiner Decides To Stay In
NY Voters Must Decide How Weiner Should Be Handled
Weiner, Firm With Resolve, Refuses To Withdraw
Voters Struggle With Weiner
Weiner Has Egg On His Face. At Least We Hope It’s Egg.
Wife Handles Weiner Admirably
Sources: Weiner About To Explode In Wake Of Scandalous Behavior
Exposed, Weiner May No Longer Work
Weiner Caught Filabustering. AGAIN. (No, I have no idea what that means, either.)
Demeanor Of Weiner Is Meaner And Meaner (for all you Dr. Seuss enthusiasts out there)
Press Is Sure To Slap Weiner Around
Wife Says She’s Familiar With Weiner’s Antics
Pelosi Admits She Never Really Cared For Weiner
Press Will Have A Field Day With Weiner
Weiner’s Wife Swallows Pride
Inner Circle Encourages Weiner To Withdraw
Weiner To Inner Circle: I’m Staying In, Dammit
Wife Continues To Coddle Weiner
Experienced Weiner Looking Hard For Work
Wife Shows Patience With Deflated Weiner
Weiner Poll Causes Voter Discomfort
I know. There were 27. Know why? Because I care about each and every one of you, and I felt you all deserved an extra couple of Weiner joke. And I’m not even dicking around when I say that. (H/t Chad Fields from Twitter.)
But seriously, for what it’s worth, I’m so sorry for those. If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t write a single one of them.
They wrote themselves.
Speaking of, you know who wrote good copy? Derek Dooley. In fact, if Weiner’s smart, and he decides to leave the election, then he should pull a page from ol’ Double D’s playbook and by saying: “You’re not going to have Weiner to slap around anymore.”
OH. One more thing: as of the time I wrote this, I was unable to confirm the rumors swirling around Manhattan that Weiner has expressed interest in joining Butch Jones’ staff should things not work out politically. While he has zero football experience, that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a good fit. He’ll obviously go to any lengths to #RiseToTheTop.
Leave your best Weiner headline in the comments.