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5 things that suck about the Super Bowl

Super Bowl 2013

Don’t let the title fool you. I’m beyond fired up about the Super Bowl. One of my best friends is coming in town and he and I are gonna watch the game with my lovely wife outside in the gazebo by a big-ass fire.

A modicum of booze will likely be involved. And food, of course, which means the Big Green Egg could well come into play. And, naturally, there will be some fantastic fellowship, all of which bodes quite well for the Super Bowl experience we are bound to enjoy.

Still, believe it or not, there are a handful of things that suck about the Super Bowl. Here are five of them.

1. Super Bowl parties

I realize that even saying this probably makes me the biggest dick ever because I also realize that the vast majority of people who watch the Super Bowl do so at a Super Bowl party.

But not me. Because Super Bowl parties undermine the integrity of the very game they purportedly celebrate. I mean, first off, it always turns in to a total hen fest.

Look — it’s always nice to see Jenny from accounting. And, yes, Joan, I’ll make sure to try your artichoke dip.

But would you two please shut up and quit talking about Ronaiah Tuiasosopo and that messed up fake game he played? Because there’s a real game on TV right now. And y’all have been yip-yapping nonstop about that confused, lovesick, cyber-addicted Hawaiian since the kick. Which means I can’t hear the game we’ve all come to watch.

Which pisses me off.

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2. Human interest stories

The buildup to the Super Bowl is almost unbearable, what with all the crap you have to drudge through just to get there.

Wow. Ray Lewis may have squirted deer antler spray on his murderous johnson! (Or maybe it was his arm. Either way.) And, hey, one of the Baltimore Ravens is pro gay marriage while the Niners’ third string corner is a homophobe. What? Baltimore kicker Justin Tucker is an opera singer?

OOOH. Hold on a second. This just in:

Jimmy Crack corn, and I don’t give one single shit about any of that. So put a cork in it and let’s play some football, okay? And I swear to God if y’all cut to Mr. and Mrs. Harbaugh more than, say, two times, I’m gonna hurl in the artichoke-dip bowl.

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3. Commercials

So, Jenny, Joan, lemme get this straight. Y’all sit there and talk about the Dr. Phil Show throughout the entire game, thus making it impossible for me to hear a single word of commentary, yet you give me the stink eye and tell me to shut up when the commercials come on?

Here’s the deal. Super Bowl commercials have become parodies of themselves. And just like the parties I try to avoid, the vast majority of them suck.

But what sucks even worse are all the people who think that Bud Light’s 30-second ad featuring “Weego,” the beer-fetching dog is an unprecedented comedic masterpiece that ranks among the greatest achievements in the history of cinematography.

Oh, I know. Jenny and Joan are teary eyed and gasping for air over there. But would they really think it was that funny if it aired in the middle of a Law and Order: SVU rerun? Because I smell a fake laugh. (Though, to be fair, it could well be the artichoke dip.)

Color me cynical, but I just don’t get all star-fucked by the eTrade baby.

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