all VOL, y'all.

All Vol Y’all’s SEC Preseason Predictions

So here’s the deal. I’ve got some predictions to make, only I’m not gonna use a bunch of stats to back them up. If you’re looking for that kind of deal, you’ll probably wanna chuckle-fuck along with John Pennington or tune in to John and Jimmy or something.

No, I’m just gonna do what 95% of all gamblers do whenever they call their bookie — lean on a decent amount of overall sporting knowledge and kinda guess a little bit.

But before you decide that renders my predictions worthless, consider this:

I flat-out bury my man. Every year. So, you never know — I may actually be on to something.

Regardless, and without further ado — here’s how I see the SEC stacking up this year, starting with the West…

1. Alabama

Has there ever been a coach who’s transcended his program the way Nick Saban’s transcended Alabama? I think that’s part of the reason why I hate him so much. And why I strongly suspect he not only has hair plugs but also ingests dick pills by the handful.

But if I’m being fair, I have to admit that I don’t know either of those things for sure. But you know what I do know for sure? Nick Saban’s daughter’ll whoop your damn ass. And if his daughter’ll whoop your ass, just think what his football team is capable of.

And, listen, I know I said I wouldn’t bust out a bunch of stats, but this one bears mentioning: For as long as I can remember, Alabama has led the nation in three-eyed cousin fucking. So there’s that.

2. LSU

What’s under Les Miles’ hat? Like a baguette? Or maybe one of those summer sausage deals that go so good with cheese? I mean, why does he wear it so high?

It kinda makes him look not-so-smart. Which I’m convinced is at least part of the reason why people think he’s an idiot. And it reminds me of how people used to believe that President Bush (W) was an idiot. But, like President Bush — he’s not an idiot. He may not always come off as the smartest guy ever, but the man is far from an idiot and he’ll have his team in contention this year — honey badger or not.

3. Arkansas

There’s a strong chance that Bobby Petrino, at this very moment, is relentlessly banging some poor girl who is 20 years his junior.

Wait. That’s not fair. I have no way of knowing that for certain. She could easy be 30 years his junior.

Regardless, because of that endearing personality trait, Petrino is no longer coaching Arkansas. And say what you want about the guy, but he was one hell of a coach and was doing a great job before wrecked his chopper and went all Sleazy Rider on us.

With him, the Hogs had a shot this year. Without him, they’ll do no better than third in the west.

4. Auburn

Remember when everyone wondered who was the better hire — Lane Kiffin or Gene Chizik? It was obviously Chizik because Auburn won the national championship in Chizik’s second year while Kiffin’s big claim to fame while at UT was playing a public game of footsie with L’il Wayne.

Even so, Auburn won’t do shit this year, only it’ll have more to do with the fact that the west is loaded than anything else.

5. Texas A&M

Sorry, but I’m not discussing the new guys very much because (a) I know nothing about them and (b) I’m all bitter about our conference expanding. I mean, hell, it took me ten years to accept Arkansas.

6. Mississippi State

You know what I don’t get? How people could possibly think that Dan Mullen is going to lead Mississippi State to the promised land and make them a viable contender. I think it’s because everyone’s so in love with Urban Meyer (who, now that I think about it, was the last coach to transcend his program the way Nick Saban has at Bama), and as such, they just assume that his former offensive coordinator will be the next wunderkind of the college coaching world.

But the landscape is littered with countless can’t-miss coaches and this guy will be one of them. Sure, their soft schedule will get them off to a quick start, but they’ll fold when they face Bama, A&M, LSU and Arkansas in successive weeks come late October and November.

7. Ole Miss

Hmm. Ole Miss. I’ll say this much about them — they blew a Nutt last year. And now incoming coach Hugh Freeze has a sticky mess on his hands. Oh well. Maybe they’ll win the Egg Bowl like 9-6 or something.

Moving on to the east:

1. South Carolina

I know. This is crazy talk. Especially since they barely beat Vandy last night. But I’ve decided that South Carolina is gonna win the east primarily because their quarterback looks like the illegitimate lovechild of Billy Corgan and Bryan Urlacher.

And the Urlacher part will make him a total badass. Like, the pocket’ll be collapsing all around him, only he won’t give a shit, he’ll just be all DESPITE ALL MY RAGE, I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE.

Plus Lattimore’s a stud. And I think a still-weak east will let the ol’ ball coach sneak into his second SEC Championship Game. (And second SEC Championship Game ass whooping.)

2. Georgia

I almost put Georgia first, but to be fair, I really don’t know anything about them other than this: they remind me of Tennessee in the last few years of the Fulmer era, only without a (very ugly) national championship to their creidt. And I’m one of those guys who believes that the SEC is a better place when teams like UT, Florida and Georgia are strong. So I’m rooting for the Bulldogs to have a good year this year if for no other reason than so they won’t have to go through a decade of futility as they seek a new head coach. (See, Tennessee Vols.)

3. Florida

Florida sucks and I hate them. Which was why I was so glad that they had Charlie Weiss on their staff, because if there’s a worse guy in college football, then I’m unaware of that person. Is it just me, or does he look just like the number 8? You’d think he’d just pull a page out of Andy Ried’s playbook and go with an all-baggy, all-black look. But NO. Instead he’s gotta borrow Ellie May Clampett’s belt.

But he’s gone and that means that Florida has become a little less fun to hate this year, but I’m sure I’ll still manage.

4. Missouri

I hate to do this, but I’m putting SEC newcomer Missouri (who, like A&M, I totally won’t accept) ahead of UT this year. And I don’t know a single thing about them. Except that Missouri is the “show me” state which I always thought was sort of provocative. What are they showing?

Hopefully, not how to finish ahead of UT. Because I don’t want UT to finish behind a newcomer.

5. Tennessee

Oh, gosh, y’all. How I hope I’m wrong on UT. But I’m just nervous. So many questions: how will Sal and his 3-4 scheme work? Will we be as strong as many think at linebacker? And will Coach Dooley’s hair look kickass all year long?

I wanna believe. I really do. But I’m still in therapy over the Kentucky debacle. Not to mention the fact that last year’s leading receiver is no longer a Vol and our QB apparently isn’t afraid to throw beer bottles at parked cars.

If there’s any one thing I know about the Vols it’s this — we have a fragile psyche. If we get off to a good start, and if we somehow get past Florida, I believe good things could await. But if we shit the bucket right off the bat, the Dooley haters will be out in full force and I just don’t think we have the mental fortitude to right the ship.

So I’m not saying that the NC State game is a must, but I am saying this: we can’t afford to lay our typical Georgia Dome egg and get blown out. Because if we do, it’ll be a long-ass season.

By the way, I read somewhere that 45,000 are making the trip to Atlanta for tonight’s matchup. Which, coincidentally, will be the exact same number who will attend the game next week against Georgia State if we lose against the pack.

C’mon, y’all. Prove me wrong and DO SOMETHING this year.

6. Vanderbilt

I hate Vanderbilt. And every so often, they rattle off a couple seasons in a row where they have more than two or three wins and they suddenly think they’re all Billy Badass, until they remember that they’re Vanderbilt and they suck.

Sorry, Coach Franklin, but it’s gonna take a little more than a shitty, barely-bowl-eligible team to make me believe you can back up all that smack you’re talking.

7. Kentucky

While my head doctor insists that I NOT talk about Kentucky (at least for a little while longer), I’m pretty sure he won’t get upset at me saying the following:

Tennessee will WAX Kentucky this year.

They better, at least. Because I’m not so sure I can handle another offseason like the last one.

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