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Bobby Petrino to Kentucky: 10 Reasons Why

Bobby Petrino to Kentucky

Just so you know, I’m not tagging the young lady to my left. That’d be wrong.

Bobby Petrino to Kentucky, people. That’s the shit I’m selling today. You buying, or no? WAIT! Don’t answer that. Check out my list before you make up your mind. And, yes. I know. Petrino is one of those names that will come up for many job openings regardless of whether or not he’s a legitimate candidate. (*cough* GRUDEN *cough*) I’m also well aware that many experts, like the folks over at Yahoo, are saying that Bobby Petrino to Kentucky ain’t happening.

And if they’re right, I could see why. After all, he does come with a lot of baggage. I mean, first, he’s not afraid to run like a coward from a shitty situation at the drop of a hat like he did in Atlanta when he jumped ship on the 3-10 Falcons and swam over to Arkansas.

And second, he’s also not afraid to spend his athletic department’s money to compensate the butterfaces whom he so relentlessly bangs. Which, when you think about it, is little more than a thinly veiled form of public-assisted prostitution.

As well as a riotously funny form of karma. You know, for hiring someone who’d fucked over his previous employer so hard.

But I don’t care about any of that negative stuff. Because it’s election day, dammit. Which means I get a vote, right? Well I vote for the guy who’s more than willing to cram his ballot in any number of boxes. I vote for Bobby Petrinto to Kentucky, regardless of the fact that he’s a soulless shitbag with absolutely zero character.

Why Bobby Petrino to Kentucky, you might ask? Any number of reasons. Let’s start with 10. Shall we?

Bobby Petrino to Kentucky: 10 Reasons it makes sense

 1. Fodder

I’m a writer. Lot of us out here, y’all. And we need shit to write about. The tawdrier the better. You know what Bobby Petrino to Kentucky gives folks like me? Fodder. Bobby’s my muse, people. I beg you, bring him back to the SEC. It’s a better place with him. And by better, I mean funnier.

2. History

But forget about my selfish agendas. Instead consider this: history is totally on his side.

A man named Pitino won at Kentucky, then went on to win at Louisville, right? So why couldn’t a man named Petrino, who won at Louisville, go on to win at Kentucky? Sure. The sports are different. But the last names, people. They’re nearly identical.

Plus they’re both long dickers. So there’s that.

3. It’s natural to overcorrect

We did it, right? When Lane Kiffin dumped the VOL nation, we were humiliated. To save face, we blamed it on Lane being a “poor cultural fit.” I mean, how could he realize what a big deal we were when his California ass didn’t even understand the magnitude of the SEC?

So what did we do? We brought in the son of the Grand Poobah of SEC football — an SEC aficionado so steeped in southern-ness that he practically came with white bucks and a seersucker suit — despite the fact he had limited coaching experience (and ability?).

In Joker Phillips, Kentucky had a nice guy who bleeds Kentucky blue. So why not roll the dice on a real prick with no allegiance whatsoever?

POW, bitches!

4. Fashion concerns

Bobby Petrino to Kentucky makes sense for fashion reasons, too. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, makes a neck brace pop like Kentucky blue. Plus, blue is totally more forgiving for blemishes caused by, say, acne, razor burn, or even road rash than most any other color.

5. Team name

Hello? You’re called the Wildcats, right? Everyone knows that Petrino’s all about the kitties. The wilder the better.

6. Past success

You know who had pretty good success at Kentucky? Hal Mumme. Sure, we went on to find that Hal was a cheater, but that’s just it.

Bobby’s a cheater, too!

I’m telling you — Bobby Petrino to Kentucky, people. It makes good, clean sense in a totally unethical kinda way.

7. No more motorcycle rides

Here’s the deal — Bobby’s adulterously romantic countryside rides are over. Because, let’s face it, ain’t no coed ever gonna get on the back of a hog with Bobby again.

But hop on the back of a horse with him? I could see it. In a Fabio-on-the-cover-of-a-romance-novel kinda way.

Looks like someone’s got his hands back on the reigns, y’all.

8. Petrino loves horses

Speaking of, I bet you didn’t know that Bobby loves horses. It’s true.  But not only does he love horses, he’s also pretty versatile with them. Sure, he’ll do the saddle and whip thing — he’s totally into that. But he also really, really loves to find him a good lookin’ filly and go all bareback on her.

Or, hell, even an ugly one. As long as she’s got a super kick-ass body. Giddyup, girl.

 9. Saving face

Bobby Petrino to Kentucky just might help us save face. Think about it: if Dooley winds up sticking around, and he somehow shits the bed against Kentucky again, it’d be a whole lot easier to stomach if their head man were at least someone who was a damn good coach. And I’m not even kidding on this one. I know — awfully pessimistic. But the way I look at it, I’m not being pessimistic.

Just practical, is all.

10. The bromance of all times

Can you imagine how tight Cal and Bobby would be if this whole Bobby Petrino to Kentucky thing actually happened? I think it’d be the single biggest bromantic relationship EVER. And if you think Bobby’s coed game is strong now? Just wait till you see how off-the-hook it’d get with Cal as his wingman.

The possibilities are stuh-aggering.

So, please, Mitch. PLEASE consider bringing Bobby Petrino to Kentucky. Because, seriously, everyone would win in that deal.

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