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Butt chugging: it can’t be right when it feels so wrong
- Updated: September 25, 2012
Butt chugging. Who knew?
You did, right? I mean you knew about the story, correct? It’s been all over the news, both here locally, as well as on national sites such as Gawker. Still, just in case you’ve not caught wind of all the butt-chugging business, allow me to give you a brief recap.
A 20-year-old member of UT’s chapter of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity was rushed to the hospital in a state of extreme intoxication this past weekend. According to KnoxNews.com:
Authorities think (the man in question), who had a blood-alcohol level thought to be “well over” 0.40 percent, ingested the alcohol by a method known as “butt chugging,” in which wine was inserted directly by a tube into his rectum for quick and potent absorption.
Talk about Taint Misbehavin’! Pouring wine into your keister? Crazy college kids. Ever in search of the perfect buzz. Even if it means contorting your body, then sodomizing yourself with a rubber hose while your buddy pops open a bottle of Boone’s Farm.
I mean, HELLO? Doing whippets while standing on your head thinks that’s a shitty idea.
Regardless, kids are obviously doing it. You know, taking a crack at butt chugging. And although we here are allVOLyall tend to focus primarily on sports, we simply had to chime in on this one. If for no other reason than because we really wanna, you know, get to the bottom of this butt-chugging situation. More than anything else, however, we wanna convince all you young men out there (and you young women, too) that butt chugging’s for dumbasses.
Which is why we’ve put together a list of ten reasons why you should NEVER, under any circumstances, EVER engage in butt chugging. But first, in case it’s too late — in case you’ve already been negatively impacted by butt chugging — we’d like to forward the following piece of advice which was tweeted earlier today by @Dooleys_pants. It just might come in handy.
ADVICE: For Pi Kappa Alpha members attending the job fair at @utknoxville today. DO NOT mention you are in the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity.
— Dooley’s Pants (@Dooleys_Pants) September 25, 2012
Good idea, no? Anyway, without further ado, here’s AVY’s aforementioned list:
Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Never EVER Butt Chug Wine
1. I’m pretty sure that’s not what they meant by getting shitfaced.
2. Did I mention it’s called butt chugging?
3. What if you threw up? Would it depend on the situation? Or would the situation call for Depends?
4. Even GERBILS can’t believe this shit.
5. Should something go wrong and you require public assistance, you’ll never, EVER be able to Google your name without the words BUTT and CHUGGING appearing alongside of it.
6. What if your little tube-deal pokes your eye out? I mean, HELLO? You’re butt chugging, right? Which means you’ve obviously got your head up your ass!
7. I have it on good authority that the ladies frown upon flatulence. So, I gotta think that sticking a tube where the sun don’t shine, then pouring in a little bubbly is probably a turn off, too.
8. Seriously. What kind of asshole drinks wine?
9. Butt chugging would likely make you public enema number one. Though, given the nature of enemas, I suppose we can’t rule out number two, now can we?
10. Red wine’s been known to stain.
So there you go. Hope this helps. Go nuts at your tailgate, kids, but let’s keep the funnels in the mouths, you got that?