all VOL, y'all.

Coach Speak 101: Around-the-SEC Edition

Greetings, friends. Judging from the numbers here at AVY headquarters, it seems that many of you clicked to read Coach Speak 101: Deciphering Dooley. And we’re so glad you did. Because it sure is fun to translate the various forms of coach speak that come out of our coach’s mouth.

So fun, in fact, that we’ve decided to expand our horizons by taking this little schtick across the conference. Only we decided not to do every single SEC coach. Because, you know, who really gives a shit what Gary Pinkel has to say, right?

Anyway, you know the drill, I’m sure, but just in case: what the coaches said appears in bold type but what they actually meant is in regular type.

Let’s start with the coaches whose seats have become awfully toasty. Former national champs get to go first:

Gene Chizik

On whether or not he appreciated just how historically bad his team’s performance against Texas A&M was (Auburn allowed 671 yards, the most any Tiger team has ever given up, and also allowed 63 points, the most scored against them since 1917):

I haven’t studied the record books exactly, but when you play in a game like that, and are involved in a game like that, you have to know historically it’s somewhere at the very bottom.

I know a pile of shit when I step in one, thank you very much.

Whether that’s at the very bottom or somewhere close, you know that’s where you’re at.

Any of you ballbusters know a good head hunter?

Joker Phillips

Coming off of an asswhooping courtesy of woeful Mizzou:

Obviously, we’re not happy with how our season’s been.

Would you be happy if you were the one making Hal Mumme look like Vince Lombardi? Speaking of, maybe I should start cheating. Seems to be working pretty okay for Cal.

The way to get it corrected is go back on the practice field and go to work, get some guys healthy and continue to forge ahead. 

When’s that UT game, again?

John L. Smith

On the Ole Miss game, which they lost on a last-second field goal:

I’m proud of our guys. We fought back and battled, battled, battled… We had a chance. Just have to make a couple more plays and maybe we get there. 

If “ifs” and “buts” were candies and nuts, every day would be Christmas. Speaking of, I’ve brought y’all a little gift. Here. It’s this shitty, under performing team with the piss-poor defense.

You’re welcome. Assholes.

Derek Dooley

On the Vols’ continued struggles on defense:

We’re a little bit of a jack of all trades, master of nothing.

I’m not even sure if these jackoffs know how to masturbate.

And it’s so important that we start mastering a few things and get good at it…(so) that we can… try to get those 15 (bad) snaps down to about 6 or 7. And at least you got a chance.

If only the defense were 40% as bad as it is now — still horrible, mind you, just not catastrophically horrible — then, I don’t care who we’re playing, we’d always have a…wait… never mind.

Even I’m not buying this shit anymore.

The legacy of this team and the character of this team is going to be defined by how we compete these last four games.

Nothing begets integrity quite like playing a shitty ACC team in the Music City Bowl at like noon on New Year’s Eve.

Will Muschamp

On the loss to Georgia:

The tough thing about football is you’ve got to wait seven days.

I challenged Richt to a fistfight after the game, but that pussy didn’t want any part of me. They don’t call me Muscles Muschamp for nothing, you know.

Mark Richt

Saturday was an emotionally charged game.

Y’all aren’t gonna believe this shit, but Will Muschamp challenged me to a damn fistfight after the game!

Les Miles

On the bye week his team just came off of:

We had three very quality practices. Lotta work done and had the ability to focus on our academics and get extra studying in.

We had three very quality practices.

hint: not really the Honey Badger

Really thought that we got a lot accomplished. Kinda reviewed some of the things we do and that we don’t do.

Showed all those clowns the Honey Badger’s latest mugshot. If that won’t get ’em to stay off the dope, I don’t know what will. But just in case, I also told ’em that all that weed smoking is probably the reason Jefferson never could complete a simple fucking out route to save his life.

Nick Saban:

On facing LSU:

This is a great team that we’re playing and a great program.

I’m fond of highly regarded teams which pose no genuine threat to us.

I think the most important thing for us to do is focus on preparing to play our best football.

We should make quick work of those stoners.

When you play good teams [you have to] do a good job of preparation, have a good understanding of what you wanna do.

Any of you fuckers seen my Propecia?

Okay — so that’s a rap. Thanks for tuning in. See you next time on Coach Speak 101.

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