all VOL, y'all.

Gene Chizik’s wife’s inspiring Facebook plea. And by inspiring, I mean bat-shit crazy.

[under his breath] You, uh, haven’t been on Facebook again, have you? // Yeah. Kinda.

Gene Chizik’s wife, Jonna, took to Facebook on Wednesday to post some words of inspiration for Auburn fans all across the country. It got a little weird.

Her post came in response to a fan’s expressed desire to help make a difference in the Tiger’s abysmal season. Jonna “humbly suggests” that Auburn fans all over the United States use social media to create an “all in” movement, one powerful enough to inspire her husband’s shitty team to return to their former glory. Or at least win an SEC game. (I’m looking at you, Vanderbilt.)

Anyway, her pep rally gets all preachy, probably because whenever you start talking about shit that’s impossible, it’s always nice to involve God. But she led with Satan and also wasn’t super clear, so the whole deal proved to be difficult to follow. I’ve provided her post below so you can see for yourself.

Oh, real quick: I took the liberty of inserting snide comments in italics because I’m kind of a dick like that. And I also took the liberty of correcting her numerous misspellings, etc… While they added a certain charm you can only find in someone who’s harmlessly crazy, I still thought it best to tidy them up a bit.

Her post begins:

This is the response I gave to one of our fans, Brandi Efferson, on Facebook today. Maybe one of you will feel led to take this on….

“I have given quite a lot of prayerful consideration to your desire to help and make a difference this season and I do have a thought.

[I think it’s awesome that you invested so much of your prayerful time in this matter, but you probably didn’t have to. I bet Ms. Efferson was just trying to be nice. “Oh, Jonna, I’m so sorry about your husband’s shitty team. I’ll be so sad when y’all have to move. Let me know if I can help, okay?”]

As you know, Social media can be a very powerful tool. Recent examples of its power can be cited by googling how it played a primary role in the Occupy Wall Street protests, the uprising in Egypt, the Konya 2012 movement and the various flash mobs that randomly occur all over the world to name just a few examples.

[Not to nit pick, but there’s no such thing as the “Konya 2012 movement.” (Per your directive, I googled it.) I think you meant the Kony movement of 2012. That’s the one where the man behind the movement had some type of breakdown and was eventually arrested for being drunk and masturbating in public. A video of which, to your point, would undoubtedly go viral thanks to the power of social media. And yes. These various and randomly occurring  flash mobs. Very Internetty, indeed. Another perfect example of social media’s vast power.] 

Therefore, my humble suggestion is to create a VERY POWERFUL “ALL IN” movement of your own.

[You guys should set up flash mobs like everywhere. Nothing says “we won’t always suck as bad as we do now” like a good flash mob.] 

We have fans all over the US and I think it is time that they RISE UP and snatch back what Satan, himself, has stolen.

[I’m sorry, you lost me there. What did Satan steal? Your winning record? Because that’s not true. Your winning record flew out the window the second Cam Newton packed his bags. So you can’t possibly mean that Satan stole your winning record. What could you mean, I wonder? 

Wait. SHUT THE FUCK UP! Satan stole Cam Newton?! Because I thought he just went pro was all.]

We serve a God who recovers ALL that “has been stolen” from us and there are times that He requires the efforts of His people to accomplish this truth.

[What truth? That y’all suck? And are you saying God’s gonna steal Cam Newton back from Satan, but only if everyone pitches in and helps? Because, if so, that’d probably work even better than the whole social-media-driven flash mob idea.]

Just think about the effect it will have first for the players and their families who sacrifice daily but how it will impact the fan base as a whole.

[Wow. Well put, Jonna. Were you an English major? Because you can totally tell. But you switched gears there, right? Away from the God/Satan/Cam Newton business and back to the galvanization of the fan base via social-media-facilitated flash mobs, correct?] 

During the season of 2010 the fans came together each Friday afternoon to send our boys off with a reverse tiger walk and the effect of just that alone was palpable enough that it carried over onto the field each and every Saturday.

[You should totally tweet that. But that palpable sensation? Are you sure it wasn’t just the rampant speculation of how many bingos Auburn had to pay Cam’s dad in exchange for his services? Not that I blame y’all. It did land you a crystal football, after all. Still, don’t kid yourself. I mean, I’m sure they were nice and all, but it was Cam that carried your sorry asses in 2010, not the reverse Tiger walks. Which, by the way, sound totally kinky. ME-ow, girl.] 

I encourage you to think outside the box and create something that will show the rest of the world WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO and why when we refer to ourselves as FAMILY that we mean it.

[Yes. That’s just the plan. Think outside the box and show the world that you’re family — and also show them why you and your family do what you do. Which, in Alabama, so often involves incest, so tread lightly there. No over-sharing.] 

I look forward to see what you come up with.

[And I look forward to your lithium drop kicking in.]

Blessings, Jonna Chizik
P.S. feel free to share all of this as you feel led!

[Thanks! I think I’ll write a post allVOLyall about it.]

***************************************************************************

How scary is that? The bit about Satan stealing Auburn’s football success drew quite a bit of chatter, so Jonna decided to write another Facebook post to help clear the air. [But you did so well the first time.] 

She writes:

To clarify my original post about utilizing social media to come together as a fan base in support of what Auburn stands for…when I referred to what Satan has stolen from us as a whole I NEVER meant or even vaguely was referring to wins and/or losses on a football field.

[Quick tip — if you don’t want people to think that you believe Satan’s responsible for your shitty football team’s horrible season, then you probably shouldn’t write rambling Facebook posts which intertwine the two. Hope this helps.]

To be clear, I honestly believe that God doesn’t care who wins a football game but I do know that we serve a GOD big enough to do as He pleases. So for those who have misunderstood my humble attempt to get the best fan base in America to rally around a group of 17-22 year old young boys and for those that have misrepresented my words or my intent to unite the Auburn Family please forgive me for offending you with the integrity of my heart.

[So real quick, humble is one of those adjectives that comes off a bit better when someone else uses it to describe you. They way you just used it to describe yourself made you come off kinda sanctimonious. And maybe even a touch self-smitten. Even so, thanks for your apology, but while we’re being clear, it wasn’t the integrity of your heart that offended me. It was your third-grade writing ability. The word remedial comes to mind. Still, though, good luck with your shitty team’s horrible season. I hope the flash mobs totally help. Let me know if you want me to tweet it or something.

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facebook comments:

  • NorthKnoxVol

    That stupid bitch needs to RISE UP and snatch back what Satan, himself, has perhaps stolen from her…a copy of Elements of Style! Strunk & White may be banned in Alabama following the judicial book burning thing a few years ago. I hate that fucking state…just sayin’.

    • admin

      well played, as always, NKV.

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  • Shane

    You don”t think Satan is stealing from the Vols defense do you? Who do you think would win in fight between Satan and Sal “the Sieve” Sunseri?

    • admin

      yes. i think Satan has, indeed, stolen the vols defense. and i hate that surly red fucker for it. as for the hypothetical fight, tough to say. before selecting, i’d like to give it prayerful consideration.

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