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Harvey Updyke sentenced for poisoning Toomer’s Corner trees

Harvey Updyke

Well, kids, it’s finally happened. Alabama fan Harvey Updyke has officially pled guilty to poisoning the Toomer’s Corner trees, a retaliatory act for Auburn’s 2010 come-from-behind victory over his beloved Crimson Tide. Which, when you think about it, makes Harvey Updyke the Dr. Kev-OAK-ian of college football. (Eesh. I am so sorry for that.)

Know what else it makes him? 

Harvey Updyke pleads guilty to poisoning oaks

A poor man’s butt chugger if there ever was one. I mean, seriously, what type of MO-ron poisons a couple of trees? I’ll tell you what kind. The kind who goes with a Bama theme when selecting names for his children. Harvey Updyke’s son is Bear Bryant Updyke, and his daughter is Crimson Tyde Updyke, who, according to Guinness, holds the world record for the number of menstrual-cycle jokes she’s been the butt of.

Don’t worry, Crimson Tyde. It’s not your fault. Being a butt obviously runs in your family.

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According to a report in the Montgomery Advertiser, Updyke pled guilty to one count of “violation of crops,” which, if I’m not mistaken, is the very same charge midnight melon-humper Gene Harrogate received.

Thumping good, indeed. (Serious props to anyone who got that. To anyone who didn’t, pick up a copy of Suttree and get your City Rat on.)

Incidentally, Harvey Updyke is believed to be the first Alabaman to plead guilty to “violation of crops” without also pleading guilty to at least one count of beastiality. Though, to be fair, there’s no livestock living near Toomer’s Corner, so it’s not like that was really an option.

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All told, he’ll spend six months in jail for poisoning the famous trees where the Auburn faithful have long gathered to celebrate big victories by rolling them with toilet paper. He’s already served 104 days, but will still be required to serve 76 more.

After his sentence is complete, Updyke will face a five-year probation. As part of the probation, he’ll have a 7pm curfew and will be forbidden from setting foot on any piece of property belonging to Auburn University.

He’ll also be banned from attending any college sporting event during the probation. Reportedly, officials were debating whether or not to ban Updyke from attending any college as well, but an outbreak of uncontrollable laughter prematurely tabled that discussion.

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Not that I know anything about Updyke’s level of education. I’m just guessing he’s not the college type based on what little I do know about him. Namely, that he thinks poisoning a couple of hundred-year old trees is an appropriate reaction to his team’s inability to hold a 24-point lead.

And, of course, that he’s a Bama fan.

Parole Tide.


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