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Lance Armstrong admits to doping and 10 other shocking stories
- Updated: January 15, 2013
On Monday Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah Winfrey that he used personal enhancement drugs during his cycling career, an admission which inspired me to compose the following tweet. But before you read it, let me first assure you that it’s patently offensive. As in, even I was offended. So offended that I logged into Twitter as @johncaveosborne and unfollowed @allVOLyall. So don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Armstrong admits to PEDs. in a related story, fire’s hot, water’s wet and Tom Brady’s a pussy.
— all VOL, y’all. (@allVOLyall) January 15, 2013
See? I told you it was offensive.
Anyway, I composed the tweet for two reasons. First and foremost, like we didn’t know that Lance was on drugs. (Which, incidentally, is what made his aggressive denials through the years — which included several successful libel lawsuits as well as sanctimonious commercials such as the one below — so laughable.)
So, yeah, Lance was on PEDs. That’s huge news.
If you’re in the flat-earth society.
And the second reason why I composed that tweet was to make fun of Tom Brady because I’m a bitter Peyton sheep and have no choice but to resort in such bush-league tactics. (Though, it should be pointed out that Brady leads the league both in manscapping and teeth-whitening, so there’s that…)
Anyway, getting back on the topic of how unshocked (not a word, but still) I am to learn of Lance’s involvement with PEDs, I thought I’d share 10 other unshocking (again, not a word) stories. Starting with…
10. Sal Sunseri admits his defense “kinda sucked.”
9. ESPN executives are hypocrites.
When ESPN realized that the BCS championship game was going to be no such thing (a game, that is), the network’s producers began to panic. So they instructed their cameramen to pan the crowd for show-stopping hotties in hopes of keeping their largely male audience entertained. Enter Katherine Webb, a confirmed show-stopping hottie.
Musburger then said what every male over the age of five was thinking.
Damn. She’s hot.
Which prompted a big hubbub as people around the world took offense. Me, personally? I was way more offended that Notre Dame was in the championship game. I mean, yes, I made a joke about Brent going all pro bono on K Webb, but in no way was I offended by what Musburger had to say. First, I love Brent Musburger and I’ve listened to him enough through the years to know that he’s not a creep, but second, so what, right? He described a beautiful woman as beautiful.
Katherine Webb, who by the end of the game was more famous than boyfriend A.J. McCarron, went on record as saying she offended in the least by Brent’s comments. In fact, she was flattered. And suddenly famous, to boot. Everyone wins, right?
Wrong. Because the PC police came out in droves. And I know all about the PC police because I lived in Seattle for six years and Seattle’s like the damn PC capital of the world. True story: back in the late 90s, many ATMs in the Queen Anne neighborhood of Seattle had a signs beside them that read: Instructions for our non-sighted customers. with an arrow pointing down to Braille instructions located on the ATM, itself.
WTF, y’all? I mean first, blind is a perfectly legitimate word. And if I were blind and you referred to me as such, I’d be just fine with it. So lose the “non-sighted” bit, right?
But second…the people whom the sign hopes to not offend? They’re BLIND, y’all. So I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that they never even knew about these altruistic signs. Unless Fido suddenly learned how to read and speak English or something.
Anyway, due to public backlash, ESPN thought it’d be best to issue a public apology stating that Musburger had gone to far. Which is classic. A company pans to a beautiful woman in the crowd several times during a lopsided game in hopes of keeping their audience entertained which prompts the commentator (who’s paid to comment on what he sees, mind you) to describe the woman as beautiful which then prompts the PC police to freak out which, in turn, prompts the company whose idea it was to pan to the hottie in the first place to issue a public apology for the actions of their commentator.
All of which means they basically threw poor Brent under the bus for their own idea. And it was a load of shit. Clay Travis wrote about the whole thing and he nailed it.
But Musburger would get the last laugh in when he signed off last night after the Baylor-Kansas game last night. Because he referred to Holly Rowe as “really smokin’ tonight.”
ESPN claims that Musburger was misunderstood. That he had really said “it was really smokin’.” As in the game was a really smokin’ one. But listen to this 22-second clip and tell me he doesn’t use the word “who,” clearly referring to Holly Rowe. Classic stuff and my man Musburger gets to fire the last shot. Love it.
8. Katherine Webb makes little boys feel kinda funny.
While we’re on Musburger, may as well, um, get on Katherine Webb, too. It’s widely believed that she makes little boys feel “kinda funny.” How so? In the immortal words of Wayne’s World’s Garth:
7. Notre Dame was overrated this year.
Like they are every year. Look, it’s this simple. Notre Dames sucks and I loathe them with a hatred that’s white hot. Hell, we played Bama tougher than those clowns did. How I wish we could have seen Alabama and Oregon play for the title. I have a feeling that would have been quite a game.
6. Tyler Bray likes Nickelback.
I know. Who doesn’t. They had me at How You Remind Me.
5. Lane Kiffin has character issues.
Did you hear how wrong he did USC recruit Kylie Fitts? Long story short, they wanted Fitts to come play for them and had offered him a scholarship. His plan was to come early and enroll on January the 10th. As of January 5th, everything was cool. But on January 7th, Kiffin and crew were all like “Yeah. No. We need you to hold off and come in the fall, instead. Okie dokie?”
Only it wasn’t okie dokie. And Fitts’ high school coach took to Twitter to let everyone know as much.
When people are desperate, their true colors show. Take the USC coach, captain of an underachieving ship. His true color: SHADY! #goKylie
— Kurt Bruich (@CoachBruich) January 11, 2013
Whenever I think of Lane Kiffin, three words come to mind.
Moving right along…
4. Barbara Dooley’s a helicopter mom.
It’s true. Not too many things her son Derek can claim he did well during his time at UT. But he did lead the nation in mommy-attended press conferences. And it wasn’t even close.
3. Danica Patrick isn’t hot.
I’m so sorry to go here twice in one post. First Katherine Webb, now Danica Patrick. What’s more, this one doesn’t even make sense. Because all the other things on this list are complete no-brainers (like Lance on PEDs). But apparently, I’m in the minority here, because everyone in the world fawns all over Danica Patrick.
But they’re so wrong, I just had to include this one as one of the ten.
Look, here’s the deal. Danica’s perfectly lovely, but GoDaddy’s (successfully) converted her into this sex symbol, and, man, I’m just not buying it. First, she knows way more about carburetors than any dude you know. Second, she spends half her waking hours in a garage which means she probably smells like the inside of an Auto Zone. And third, she’s got a bad case of Flat-Line Personality Disorder.
Translation? Danica Patrick is equipped with the sex appeal of a thimble.
2. Johnny Manziel won the Heisman.
Really? I hadn’t heard. I was too busy reading about him on TMZ.
In a related story, somewhere on the Upper West Side, some asshole Wall Street type is wondering where his cashmere scarf went.
1. Tennessee men’s basketball team isn’t doing well.
Do they shock the world tonight by getting a road win at Rupp? Believe it or not, I’d probably be crazy enough to predict it if it weren’t for the fact that the Wildcats are coming off of an embarrassing home loss to conference newcomer Texas A&M.
Which means the Vols are pretty much walking into a hornets’ nest tonight. Here’s hoping the sting doesn’t hurt too bad.