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Hump Day Humor: the Nerlens Noel & Manti Te’o edition

Manti Te'o

I don’t have a lot of time, so let’s get right to it, shall we? I have some observations from the world of sports and it’s Wednesday. I hope they’re (somewhat) funny. So I’m calling this piece “Hump day Humor.” I’m not going to proofread this, so for all you Grammar Police out there? Stick it. I’m doing my best. Anyway, since the Kentucky game is fresh on my mind, I thought I’d lead with…

Nerlens Noel

You know, this cat kinda got under my skin last night. And judging from my Twitter stream, I wasn’t the only one. Many people claimed he looked like Kid from Kid n’ Play. I get it because of the high-top fade and all, but Kid’s skin is quite a bit lighter, you now, like he’s Nerlens with one of those pigment disorders that took down Michael Jackson. And Sammy Sosa.

But I kinda thought he looked more like JR Reid of North Carolina basketball fame. Again, largely because of the high-top fade. (Didn’t Dale Ellis sport one of those?)

But after sleeping on it, I realize I was wrong. Because Nerlens Noel looks JUST like the illegitimate lovechild of Chris Rock and Grace Jones.

Nerlens Noel

But why did Chris and Grace name him Nerlens?

Simple. That’s where he was born. They’d just come from Bertern Rourge.

Johnny Football

I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get real sick of the Johnny Manziel stories. Like this one that came out a day or two ago that details Texas A&M’s sit-down with the parents of the Heisman winner. Aggie athletic director, Eric Hyman, arranged the meeting so they could discuss “their son’s handling of his recent accolades.”

See, Manziel’s been pictured in Miami partying with hot women while wearing a questionable scarf, chilling court side at an NBA game, and waving cash in an Oklahoma casino. Combine all that flash with the incident in June when Manziel was arrested for his role in a bar fight, and I guess it’s easy to see the reason for concern.

“It’s (about) education, and we’ve got to help the family and Johnny with the transition into being a Heisman award winner…I told [Manziel’s parents] he’s no longer a freshman, and he’s no longer a sophomore, junior or senior. He is a ‘Heisman,’” Hyman said.

No word on whether or not the athletic director realizes his last name is “Hyman.” (I’m not even sure that made sense, but it’s my sports blog and I’m keeping it in there. Dick.)

Brent Musburger not sorry

Brent’s legend continues to grow in my book. When asked point blank if he thought what he said was offensive, he cut right to the chase.

God bless you, Brent Musburger. You damn hottie, you. He really oughtta start his own website — www.cougarbait.com.

I’m too emotionally invested in Peyton Manning

There. I said it. But I just can’t help but to be. Primarily because I want him to win another one SO FREAKING BAD. You know, to shut up all the Peyton haters once and for all.

Yes. He threw an unforgivable pick that cost his team the game. But he should have never been put in that position. (Flacco’s ball gets picked off, or at very least broken up, 99.5 out of 100 times.)

I know I sound like the biggest Peyton apologist ever when I say this, but I simply have to: SO MUCH has to line up for a quarterback to win a Super Bowl. The variables are immeasurable. You need a good franchise, great teammates an awesome coach, and you know what else? You need some serious luck.

And Peyton has the shittiest luck ever and if that 70-yard Hail Mary doesn’t prove it, I don’t know what possibly could.

So when he gets compared to Brady, it always pisses me off because the Brady has so many variable handled. Franchise? CHECK. Great teammates? CHECK. Awesome coach? CHECK.

Luck? Please. They made up a freaking rule for Brady. You remember the tuck-rule game, right? That’s what started this whole mess. (Okay, fine, they didn’t make it up, but still…)

Regardless, the haters always talk about Brady’s rings vs. Manning’s ring, as in singular, and it just makes me wanna puke. Because, yeah, great, Brady’s got the rings, in part thanks to everything in the world lining up for the guy. But it’s not always about the rings.

For example, we all know what Peyton did in aftermath of the single most disappointing loss in his career, right?

He waited around for an hour and a half just so he could congratulate fellow legend Ray Lewis.

You know what Tom Brady’s busy doing an hour and a half after a game? Manscaping his chest hair.

Peyton, y’all. I’m standing behind him. And praying he gets it done in the two-year window (possibly only one?) he has left. Because that dude’s got as much class as anyone alive and we’re so lucky to have him representing the University of Tennessee, it’s not even funny.

Manti Te’o’s dead girlfriend never existed?

Deadspin is claiming that Manti’s Te’o’s dead girlfriend NEVER existed. I’d make a joke about this, but, if true, there’s simply nothing funny about it.

Oh, okay, fine, I’ll try.

“She lives in Canada. You wouldn’t know her. I met her at Niagra Falls.”  –Manti Te’o shortly after claiming he’s “laid” lots of times.

Seriously, this story is too new and too breaking to really comment on, except to say this: Deadsin’s a legit site and I don’t think they’d break this unless they were certain. Notre Dame’s reaction came via Facebook and it claims that Te’o informed the school that he was the victim of a hoax, and that he informed the school as much on December 26, and as I read, my office was suddenly overcome with the distinct smell of horseshit. Strong winds from South Bend are suspected.

Seriously, y’all, why didn’t the school come forward any sooner? The number one rule of public relations, if I’m not mistaken, is to tell as much as you possibly can as soon as you possibly can. Sit back and do nothing, and you’re begging for a scandal. To that end, Notre Dame and Te’o, are getting their just desserts.

As if we needed another reason to hate that self-aggrandizing, self-righteous institution. Gimme a break.

And nice showing in the BCS title game. Losers.

Okay, that’s all I got. Thanks for reading.

UPDATE: here’s a link to an interview conducted AFTER Dec 26 in which Te’o is asked — and answers — a question about his girlfriend. And suddenly that horseshit smell in my office is stronger, yet.

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