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Top 10 lines used to land the Ole Miss recruiting class

ole miss recruiting class

So, just how did Hugh Freeze land the Ole Miss recruiting class?

The Ole Miss recruiting class. Who knew, right? Say what you want, but Hugh Freeze and company got it done. They landed a consensus top 10 class thanks to snagging the No. 1 overall prospect, DE Robert Nkemdiche, and the No. 4 overall prospect, OT Laremy Tunsil along with a bunch of other dudes with more star power than J. Lo multiplied by Beyonce.

Squared.

But how, right? I mean, they needed a bowl win over a piss-poor Pittsburg team just to finish above 500. Plus, they only managed three measly SEC wins — one of them in the Egg Bowl over a Mississippi State team whose wheels had officially fallen off. Which makes their sudden recruiting prowess more puzzling than the appeal of Psy.

Yet on National Signing Day there they were, inking more big-ass names than a Russian genealogist. (No. I didn’t get that one, either.) So, again, how? One popular answer is that they cheated. Laquan Treadwell’s twit-pic of him fondling a pile of hundred dollar bills did nothing but add fuel to that fire.

But I’m not buying it. Instead, I think it comes down to a simple case of salesmanship. And you know what great salesmen can do? Bust out kick-ass lines that make people buy.

And I have it on good authority that’s what Hugh Freeze and his staff relied upon. Sick-ass lines. And by “I have it on good authority,” I, in fact, mean that I had a couple/three beers last night and made it up.

Still, though, I’m pretty sure I’m on to something. Which is why I’m giving you, dear reader, an exclusive glimpse of the…

Top 10 lines used to land the Ole Miss recruiting class

10. Don’t be silly. Of course they’re not prostitutes. They probably just really like you or something. Besides, last I checked, prostitutes charge money. And this ain’t gonna cost you a thing, buddy boy.

9. We’re big Randy Moss fans over here. We even like to quote him. You ever hear this one? I believe it goes [hands over envelope] “straight cash homey”?

8. So, tell me, kid. You a hotty toddy man? Or more of a dirty sanchez kinda guy?

7. I believe there’s some NCAA legalese that prohibits me from flat-out saying it, though I’m pretty sure it’s okay if I refer to it in French. So, tell me. Are you a guy who could use a little, how you say, pooh-swah?

6. Ed Orgeron didn’t really coach here. That was just this reality show thing we were trying at the time.

5. And over here you’ll find our weight room, just one of the ways our guys gain the strength necessary for SEC battle. The other way, of course, is by carrying around their thick-ass wallets! All those Benjamins really add up if you know what I mean.

4. Academics are very important to us, you know. In fact, if you come to Ole Miss, you’ll be able to major in any field of study imaginable. And our electives are fantastic, too. Lotta our players wind up taking a class or two in the Fine Arts. Lap Dancing 101 is particularly popular.

3. So, this is the Grove, kid. Not bad, huh? But if you think this place is packed with hotties, just wait’ll you, um, get a load of the strip club we’re fixin’ to hit. That place is a joke. A raunchy one at that.

2. You ever heard of William Faulkner? That’s right. One of the finest writers in the history of American literature is an Ole Miss Rebel. That could be you, you know. If you apply yourself. After all, football’s not the only thing we want you to excel at. [pauses] Naw, man, I’m just messing with you. We don’t care about any of that other shit. Especially writing. All you really gotta be able to write is your damn name. Here. [passes folded bill] Take this hundy for being such a good sport.

And the No. 1 line that the recruits just couldn’t resists?

1. You decide to come school here, and play your cards right — you never know — we just might let you kick the ever-living shit outta Marshall Henderon’s punk ass.

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