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SEC Picks: The Walk In Clinic Edition

SEC picks

SEC picks, people. Come get ’em. But before you do, a quick factoid: I’m at the walk-in clinic and I gotta say — I’m feeling pretty damn good about myself. Why am I at the walk-in clinic, you might be wondering? Well, aside from the fact that I skew a touch redneck-y, it’s because I have a nasty cough / congestion / stomach bug thing going on. I’ll spare you the glamorous details except to share the following: I’m pretty sure this bug (which has had me under its spell for the past NINE DAYS) is a hybrid.

See — that’s what happens when you have all these kids (five). They all get these weird-ass bugs because kids are totally gross and have zero hygiene, then these bugs cross pollinate and morph into SUPER BUGS which you eventually get, at which point your wife will conclude you’re a lazy sack of shit for, you know, being sick to your stomach and coughing your lungs out because it’s all this ploy, you see, where you’ve exaggerated your condition for nearly TWO WEEKS just so you can steel the occasional early bedtime — all this despite the fact that you’ve TOTALLY CONTINUED to carry about with your normal work and family schedule. What a racket, people. I’m telling you.

Still, she’ll ridicule you because she’s ruthless like that (in a sweet way, honey), eventually asking your dumb ass rhetorical questions like: Wonder why it is that I never get sick? And, if you’re a dick (guilty!), you’ll say Um, because then you couldn’t assume the role of sanctimonious martyr that suits you so well.

Which, you know, isn’t the best idea.

Neither is gambling, by the way. Which is why I’m posting today. Again, right here from the walk-in clinic off of Middlebrook Pike (did I mention how comparatively good looking and able-bodied I suddenly feel?) with my locks of the week (along with the aforementioned nasty-ass cough / congestion / stomach cross-pollinated, meg-bug deal).

But before I give you my LOCKS, allow me to give you this: the results of my previous two weeks. You may recall, I skipped last week’s SEC picks post because of this illness which my wife thinks I’m faking, though I did post my selections to our FB page (you are following us on Facebook, right?). Two weeks ago, I was 3-5 and last week I was 4-3 which makes me 32-34-1 for the year.

Which totally sucks, but I’m going all Dooley on you and proclaiming a second season. And, like Dooley’s, it started last week. So, really, I’m 4-3. A game above 500 for the ENTIRE YEAR, PEOPLE. Not too bad for a dude with a chronic cough coupled with stomach issues thank you very much.

Now, without further ado:

SEC Picks

Vanderbilt @ Ole Miss (-2.5)

I’d love to do research on these picks because that would be prudent. But the Nazis here at the walk-in clinic won’t let me get online, lest I Google “how to cook meth,” which, of course jeopardizes my winning record for the 2012 season (part duex). So, hmmm. Who did Ole Miss have last week? AH. That’s right. Georgia. And they got whooped. And Vandy went all Billy Bad Ass on Kentucky last week which means that one team’s stock is a bit too low (Ole Miss) while the other’s (Vandy’s) is too high.

Classic value play. Ole Miss -2.5 on the bounce-back win.

Arkansas vs South Carolina (-14)

Ready for this? I swear I think it’s the first time all year, but I’m picking against Arkansas. They beat, like, Halls last week 19-15 and I’ve finally accepted the fact that they just flat-out suck. (Just heard a rumor Arkansas may be close to hiring TCU’s coach, Gary Patterson, by the way…)

So, yeah, take South Carolina -14. And let’s all continue to wish Marcus Lattimore the speediest recovery possible. I’m really rooting for that young man to be playing in 2014. If not 2013. What a special athlete. What a great kid.

UL Lafayette at Florida (-26)

You know the kind of junkie who bets on a game like this? The kind who frequents walk-in clinics. And you know who these deadbeats take? Florida. Because (a) deadbeats always make the obvious play and (b) deadbeats are a sucker for a nice pair of jorts.

Don’t be a deadbeat, y’all. Take UL Lafayette and the 26.

Mississippi State @LSU (-14)

So, wow, Johnny Manziel SHREDDED State last week while LSU played valiantly but came up short against Bama. You know what I don’t get, though? Why people were harshing on the Mad Hatter after the game. Sure, he made a ton of gambles — four or five, depending on how you look define “gamble.” And sure, none of them “worked,” which is why people were so quick to harsh on him, I suppose.

I mean, the average redneck (or media type, for that matter) is basically saying “If he’d not made all those foolish gambles, LSU would have won.”

But I see it differently. The gambles he took? They changed the psychology of the game, y’all. And they said the following to Saban: “Look, you little dick-pill popping, shoe-insert wearing megalomaniac — I ain’t skeert of your pansy ass. And my team’s gonna punch your team in the fucking mouth. And NO, I have no idea where you put your Propecia. Dick.”

And without that edge, LSU’s never even in that game. So, no, sorry, y’all, but Les Miles didn’t lose that game. Chavis’ prevent D on the last drive though? While I won’t say that’s what cost them the game, I will say this: that sure did look familiar to UT fans, no?

Love Chief, though, and LSU’s D came to play. And so did Zach Mettenberger. I’m high on the Tigers. Lay the points and take them over what looks to be a Mississippi State team that isn’t quite as good as advertised.

UGA (-15) at Auburn

So, UGA’s Mark Richt is getting hip replacement surgery at the end of the season stemming from a swing-set injury he suffered in the early 90s. A swing-set injury he attained while showing off for his wife. You know, by showing her what a bad-ass (non-sexual) swinger he was. (I shit you not.)

You know what kind of guy endures such a swing-set injury? Me neither, but I’m pretty sure I’m sitting next to one such man as we “speak.” I’ll see if I can get his name before I leave.

Early action seems to point to Darryl. Or Jim Bob.

Meanwhile, you know what Chizik’s been up to? Hiring security to enforce curfew of his players. (And here I was thinking it was to prohibit them from flat-out leaving the Plains…)

Gene? Give it up, bro. It’ll all be over soon.

Lay the points and take UGA. Because, remember kids, hip-less beats hopeless any day of the week. Everyone knows that. (Though, come to think of it, everyone includes this gentlemen to my left and, judging from his smell alone, it’s kinda hard to imagine him knowing anything — least of all HOW TO BATHE.)

Texas A&M @ Alabama (-13.5)

I have to admit something. I was rooting for Bama last week. Know why? Because if they’d lost, there are too many undefeated teams to feel confident that a one-loss SEC team would get a shot at the title. And that would snap our little SEC-national-champion streak (is it 6?) and I don’t want that to happen.

So, to that end, I’m sure I’ll find myself (inexplicably) rooting for Bama again on Saturday. But I’ll be damned if I won’t be pulling for A&M, too. I held off on the Aggies forever, but I’m now officially in on them. They’re an incredibly exciting team to watch. It’ll be very interesting to see how their high-octane offense fares against the vaunted Alabama defense.

I’m taking the points and the Aggies in this one.

Missouri @ Tennessee -3.5

I was combing through some stats the other day and stumbled across something. Did y’all know that the VOLS are undefeated in the second season of 2012? I know. Kinda snuck up on me, too.

Anyway, I think it’s great! Don’t you? It’s easy to see why we’ve had such success in this second season. I mean, hell, we’re holding our second-season opponents to 721 yards per game! Not only that, but they’re not even averaging 50 points a game. Only 48 is all!

Which, incidentally, is the number of times Sal Sunseri says “know what I’m saying” in the video below. And, what’s more, he says it in an accent that can best be described as the Jerky Boys + Rocky Balboa + Joey Buttafuoco divided by three.

Click play and fast fwd to the 2:20-minute mark if you wanna, um, “know what I’m saying.”

Look, I feel bad for Sal. And I feel bad for Dooley. And I feel bad for the kids on this team. (And I feel bad for Darryl / Jim Bob, too. It’s gotta be hard living your life while smelling like that.) And I’m hoping and praying that the last three games go better than the Troy game did. Because we pretty much can’t afford another subpar performance from here on out or else there’s gonna be some major changes. And it’s really hard to play when anything less-than-perfect spells disaster.

Just ask our offense.

Anyway, lay the points and take the VOLS and let’s see what happens, kids.


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