all VOL, y'all.

SEC Predictions for Week 3

UT Florida

Will this be the year the Vols finally catch Florida?

So, 6-4 last week in my SEC predictions. Pretty damn good. My favorite two picks of the week — LSU and UGA — both covered like a charm. So get ’em while they’re hot, folks — this week’s SEC picks against the number.

Western Kentucky at Kentucky

Oooh. Compelling. A battle for Kentucky. The winner gets like seven pounds of horseshit and a dimwitted cousin with three nipples named Clem. The Wildcats are laying seven, a number they will NOT cover. Take the points and the Hilltoppers.

Mississippi State at Troy

I have a question. Why is Mississippi State playing at Troy? Troy. Such a stupid name. That’s what’s always cracked me up about the USC Trojans being called the Men of Troy. I mean, I can barely even utter the phrase without it conjuring up images of some bad, male-dominated Greek orgy. Ew.

Which reminds me, there was this one time when I was at a friend’s party when he introduces me to a buddy of his named Sparticus. And I obviously think he’s fucking with me, because, truly, who’s the guy standing next to “Sparticus”? Ben Hur?

So, anyway, I’m all “Hiya, Sthparticuthhh” in this Sylvester the Cat voice and the guy just looks at me like I’m crazy and says “Nice to meet you,” before quickly walking away and never talking to me again.

Moral of the story? If you plan on introducing a random guy named Sparticus to your friends, you may wanna give ’em a heads up that you’re NOT fucking with them. Because, trust me, they’ll think you are.

Oh. And take Troy and the 16.5 points. Because after a big win against Auburn at home, the Bulldogs might just think that Troy is fucking with them, too. Classic trap game on the road.

UL Monroe at Auburn

This tidbit from Mr. SEC kinda cracked me up.

Gene Chizik says that after an 0-2 start to the 2012 season, “there are no holes to hide in.”

“This is a man’s game and it reveals everything about who you are.  You know what?  We’re manning up, and it starts with me.  We’re not going to walk around with our heads down.  There’s nobody trying to hide anything.” 

Chizik then completely closed off his practices to everyone except players, coaches, and the team’s support staff, according to The Birmingham News.  As William Shatner said in “Airplane II: The Sequel,” “Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.”

Indeed. Things aren’t going well on the plains, all the more reason to believe they’ll be extra motivated to get off the schneid with their first W and cover the 16.5 in so doing. Lay the points and take the Tigers.

Florida Atlantic at Georgia

So, I’m working out the other day and decide to hit the sauna before I grab a shower and there’s this guy in there who’s notorious for chit chatting. And that’s not cool, right? Instigating totally naked powwows with complete strangers? Well, not totally naked, because this particular gym does have a towel system, only their towels are so small, they’re more like washcloths. But still.

Anyway, I see there’s two other dudes in there and I’m relieved because at least there’ll be a solidarity of sorts against this rogue sauna talker, because, I dunno, there just will be. There can’t possibly be more than one man in the entire world who thinks such behavior is okay, right?

Wrong. Because the original sauna talker had managed to find not one, but TWO dudes who were willing to go all chatty Cathy with him. Here’s the kicker — one of these second generation sauna talkers? TOTALLY NAKED. Just sitting on top of his towel / loincloth thing. And I couldn’t help but notice that he was 100% man-scaped down there. As in nothing.

So I’m fired up he’s decided to lose the clown afro, but, c’mon, man. He was rocking that thing like cheap perfume — for any and all to notice whether they wanted to or not. So just when I think the original sauna talker is the worst dude in the world, along comes the Brazilian sauna talker.

Patently offensive, y’all.

Point? So’s this game. UGA looked great last week and, like the BST (Brazilian sauna talker), Florida Atlantic has no business, um, between the hedges. So take the Dawgs and lay the 42.

And for God’s sake, please cover up in sauna, okay?

Presbyterian at Vandy

Fact: students who attend Vanderbilt hate it when people call their school Vandy. Fact: 72% of the young men who attend that school are snotty little rich kids with double surnames like Kingsley Rutherford, Yates Rothchild and Collins Montgomery. Fact: 84% of them cannot change a tire. Fact: 4% of them will be at the game. The other 96% will be trying to tame some frigid shrew named Buffy they met at the Tri Delt mixer.

If they don’t care about the game, why should we? Plus, there’s no line. So no pick. Enjoy the Vandy game, Collins.

Texas at Mississippi

I have a feeling that Texas will be up for this one, if for no other reason than to prove what Mizzou and A&M couldn’t last week — namely that the Big 12 can hang with the SEC. Which we all know they can’t, but Texas can most certainly hang with a post-Nutt Ole Miss. The Longhorns will cover the 10.

UAB at South Carolina

As of the time this was written, it was still unclear whether Connor Shaw would be back for the Gamecocks. Assuming he’s not, that means a healthy dose of Lattimore which means a shortened game which will be a problem if you pick the Cocks to cover the 33.5. Which is exactly why you shouldn’t.

Take UAB and the points.

Idaho at LSU

Was it 2005 that Texas won the national championship? I think it was. That year I “rode” the Longhorns in that I played them every single week, regardless of the number. I went 11-2. Two years later, I faded Charlie Weiss’ Notre Dame team (which finished 3-9) every single game to similar results. Point being, I’ll ride a team up or down and never waiver.

Something tells me this is a good year to do that with LSU. So lay the 42 and a hook and take the Bayou Bengals. This despite the fact that Zach Mettenberger was rocking a pillie dog that Jeff Hostetler would have been ashamed of in their game against Washington on Saturday.

Alabama at Arkansas

Oh, Bobby. If only you weren’t such an incorrigible slut (or at least better behind the handlebars — possible reach around to blame, maybe?) then you’d still be coaching Arkansas. In which case they wouldn’t have lost last week. In which case we’d have this epic matchup of phenomenal coaches who are so very fun to hate — you with your incessant lying, colossal ego and penchant for fingerbanging coeds and Nick Saban with his steely demeanor, listless personality and four-inch shoe lifts.

Oh well.

Even if Tyler Wilson doesn’t play on Saturday, this game is a good value as the epic collapse against Louisiana Monroe has probably pumped the line up a bit too much. Particularly considering it’s in Fayetteville. Take the Razorbacks and the 20 points.

Florida at Tennessee

Alright, Vols, the game we all want so badly. I gotta be honest — I’m uncomfortable with the three points we’re giving. But lay ’em and support your team, damn it. Even if we only win by two, look at it this way — you paid 55 bucks to get us the W. And if we lose? The last thing you’ll care about is the double nickel you just pissed away.

One thing’s for sure — if we cover, it’ll be one of the few times in the last two decades that the winner of the UT-Florida game hasn’t won the rushing battle. Because Marlin Lane’s wrong.

Not only will the Vols not lead the SEC in rushing this year — we won’t even lead the game.

But that won’t matter thanks to our explosive passing game. Keep Bray off his back, O-line, and the Vols win going away.




facebook comments:

  • NorthKnoxVol

    How Arkansas responds following last week could be something to watch, or not, in which case we can imagine getting a reach around on a motorcycle and fingerbanging coeds. Really a can’t lose scenario. Thanks for the perspective!

  • admin

    Ah, NorthKnoxVol — happy to help, my friend. thanks for stopping by. do come again, won’t you?

  • the muskrat

    Now I wish I’d invited you to our pickem group, so I could laugh each weekend that I leave you in my wake.

    • admin

      ha ha. thanks, buddy. it’s the best time of the year, no? you know what would be fun? somehow watching that bama game together. wait. that might not be fun after all. never mind.