all VOL, y'all.

SEC Predictions Week 4

TOUGH week last week for your favorite all VOL y’all prognosticator. By the way, when I was younger, I used to think that word was “procnosticator” and I never liked it because it was so close to proctologist — though, in this context, I’d probably be okay with it, because, you know, I pretty much just pull these picks out of my ass…

Anyway, for the two of you still reading, I went 4-5 last week. Not. Good. THOUGH, it’s worth mentioning that overall, I’m still 10-9 for the year. And this week, I’ve got some LEAD PIPE LOCKS, baby. As well as a few jokes. So, without further ado…

Rutgers at Arkansas (-7.5)

Has a team ever missed a quarterback as much as the Razorbacks miss Tyler Wilson? (Aside from the Colts last year…) Because things were going just fine in the six quarters Wilson played in this year. But the last six have been trainwrecks.

Word is there’s an APB issued in Fayetteville. For John L. Smith’s mind. Because as you can see from the 20-second clip below, he’s clearly lost it. (Seriously, check it out — it’s how he started his press conference on Monday.)

Am I the only one suddenly humming Crazy Train? Jeez. Just when I thought that Petrino gave the most memorable presser ever, along comes that one. Those two should totally team up for a press conference. What a blast that’d be.

I had a wreck. So SMILE, dammit!

And just when you thought that John L. Smith’s situation could get no worse, along comes news that he he filed bankruptcy on September 6, and in the filing, he claimed to have only 800 bucks in cash.

I mean, hell, it wouldn’t take Bobby but an hour to blow through that. Those lap dances add up. Goodtimes.

So, yeah, trust me, Rutgers is the team to take here. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY you should play Arkansas. Plus, Arkansas is preparing for the game as if Wilson will be playing, and if that turns out to be the case, he’ll stop the bleeding. Lay the 7.5 and keep the DVRs handy. Because if I’m wrong and Arkansas somehow loses, we’ll get some must-see TV out of the deal for sure.

LSU (-20.5) at Auburn

Speaking of public humiliation, feast your eyes on the Auburn-LSU game. I have a question. When’s the last time Auburn was a three touchdown underdog at home? Not that I’m arguing the number. I’m not. They needed overtime against Louisiana Monroe to get their first W of the year. Not exactly the start they were looking for. (Side note — if UL Monroe had won, they would have beaten two SEC teams in successive weeks which means (a) their bookstore would have made a fortune selling “The SEC West is our BITCH” t-shirts and (b) they would have won more SEC games than the Vols have in this season and last. COMBINED.)

Take LSU.

Kentucky at Florida (-24)

Let’s continue the trend of public humiliation and touch upon poor Kentucky. Not only did Western Kentucky beat the lowly Cats in Lexington, but the Western Kentucky coach had the sound bite of the year when he taunted Kentucky shortly the game concluded.

“WKU red is the new blue in Kentucky now, baby.” Priceless.

Anyway, remember when Kentucky actually used to give Florida fits? Me neither. And that ain’t what’s gonna happen this weekend, anyway. So lay the points and pound the Gators. Assuming you can even watch this game without having flashbacks to last weekend’s debacle.

Vanderbilt at Georgia (-16.5)

Seriously, take Georgia. If for no other reason than Vanderbilt’s most famous football playing alumnus was forever immortalized recently in the all-time best tumblr EVER called “Smoking Jay Cutler.” It’s mission? To quote the site, itself:

“This site is dedicated to the most apathetic looking athlete in the history of sports.”


And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Go visit this site (as soon as you’re done with AVY) by clicking HERE. (You’re welcome.)

Missouri at South Carolina (-10.5)

Before the season I would have thought the LSU-Auburn matchup would have been the best game this weekend. But it turns out this is the game of the week. Lotta subplots. Like how will Connor Shaw fare in his first game back — especially in light of the fact that backup Dylan Thompson threw for over 500 yards and 5 scores the last two weeks. Then there’s Mizzou’s James Franklin who will be returning under center after missing last week. And don’t forget Marcus Lattimore who’s only carried the ball 25 times in the past two games combined.

This game’s gonna be tight. Gamecocks win, but Mizzou covers the number.

Mississippi (-19) at Tulane

Mississippi looked awful against their two cupcakes then got waxed by Texas by five touchdowns. At home. On national TV. At night. Tulane isn’t exactly lighting it up either — they’re 0-2 and coming off a five-touchdown loss of their own.

Honestly? The humane thing to do would be to just shoot this game and put it out of its misery. But that would probably deny a team of really shitty announcers their much needed practice. So play on, they must.

Hold your nose and take Tulane.

Florida Atlantic at Alabama (-49.5)

Word on the street is that Florida Atlantic’s board of trustees is contemplating a name change which, if ratified, would be announced shortly before the kickoff. Florida Titanic. Because (a) Saban’s blood’s as cold as an iceberg, and (b) when Florida Titanic hits him, they’re going down. Hard.

Not even the love of Leonardo Dicaprio can stop Bama, so lay the half century and get on with it.

South Alabama at Mississippi State (-34)

If you’re thinking about playing this game, get a hold of yourself. You can’t possibly be that big of a junkie, can you?

There are two things to consider here. First, Dan Mullen has Mississippi State relevant for the first time in quite a while. But second, University of South Alabama goes by the acronym USA and what kind of shitty American would you be if you went against USA?

Lay the points and take the Bulldogs. Because being a junkie is one thing. But you may as well go all out and be a junkie who hates his country.

South Carolina St at Texas A&M

You know what’s funny? Each week when I pick these games, I always find I’m missing one. And it’s always the Aggies game because I just can’t accept the fact they’re in the SEC. Even more so than Mizzou. Not sure why that is, but this week it doesn’t matter. South Carolina St isn’t an FBS school, ergo no line.

Akron at Tennessee (-33)

I used to live in Washington state and there was this company in Tacoma called Tacoma Screw. And there was this girl who went to the University of Washington who was from Tacoma and let’s just say she wasn’t afraid to do it on the fist date. Which is why her nickname was, you guessed it, the Tacoma Screw. I always thought that was the worst nickname ever.

Until the Akron Zips came along. At least they have a cool mascot, right? The Kangaroo. Yes. Because northeastern Ohio has a shit-ton of kangaroos hopping about. But everyone knows that kangaroos aren’t indigenous to Ohio. They swim down from Canada via Lake Erie.

And now that they’re gonna hop on down to Neyland Stadium? They’re gonna get bounced, y’all.

Yes, they’ve put up a ton of points. But those points have come against UCF, FIU and the Morgan State Bears. (Wait. I didn’t know that the state of Morgan had bears?) Say what you want about Dooley’s Vols, but one thing has held true in his tenure — they tend to take care of business against lessor opponents. Look for that trend to continue in our get-well game.

Lay the points and take Tennessee. And hopefully this week, we won’t be subjected to more Kenny Chesney jumbotron torture.


facebook comments:

  • Patrick (yeah, that one)

    My reply to the question about the Akron Zips:

    Q: What is a Zip?

    A: It’s the anticipated number of wins against quality opponents the Vols are supposed to have this year.

    • admin

      STONRG, patrick. well done!

  • the muskrat

    Just so you know, I went 20-13 last week (thought I got the Bama-Hogs game wrong, which is embarrassing). Maybe I should be running this blog instead of you.

    • admin

      you’re obviously cheating. (i got the bama hogs game wrong, too — thought it was a classic “value” play. oh well.)