all VOL, y'all.

SEC Predictions Week 5

So, I went 2-7 last week, and 2-7’s not good. Neither is the 12-16 mark I now possess like some bad STD. Remember — you can put a bunch of monkeys in a cage with a typewriter and eventually, they’ll peck out a word, but that doesn’t mean they know how to spell. (I have no idea how that relates, but it seemed appropriate.) Anyway, I’m having a hard time picking ’em.

You know what I can do, though? Kill some damn stink bugs. I killed like 60 of ’em last night. They’ve been gathering in clusters on our crown moulding like chicks in a bathroom, engaging, no doubt, in some form of stinkbuggery that my wife and I have deemed utterly unacceptable. Plus they freak the kids out.

So I filled a cup halfway with soap and water, then held it in my left hand as I carefully climbed atop the ladder. My right hand was the designated stink-bug grabber, so I wrapped it in several paper towels, because I’m kind of a pussy like that. Even so, one by one I plucked those fuckers off the wall, tossing them into the cup where they met the soapy suffocation I’d so maniacally arranged.

Things were going great till they decided to team up and get all kamikaze on me, flying directly into my face, often in “V” formation, one after another, bam-bam-bam, as I’d try to nab one of their comrades. The last such attack was particularly well coordinated. Enough, I’m afraid, to disturb my balance. And as you probably know, when one’s balance is disturbed, one tends to flail one’s arms, which means, before I even knew what was happening, the agent of my destruction was dripping down my face, two dead stinkbugs slowly sliding down my left cheek.

Yes. I went from stealthy executor to Dorf on stink bugs in seconds flat.

They’ve been an issue for a while, but this week, it’s become a full-blown epidemic at our house. So that’s what I’ve got going on. A sudden invasion of stink bugs in the wake of a butt chugging sandal. Coincidence? I’ll leave that for you to decide. I’ve got some games to pick.

South Carolina -21 at Kentucky

Connor Shaw was brilliant last week going 20 of 21 for 250 yards and two touchdowns as South Carolina walked the damn dog on Mizzou. Kentucky’s worse than ever which means this week, South Carolina’s gonna walk the damn dog again. On the Cats.

Arkansas at Texas A&M -13.5

Things are so bad at Arkansas that the school was seriously considering changing their fight song to London Bridge is Falling Down, but they didn’t end up pulling the trigger. Something about copyright issues.

The Aggies are hungry for their first SEC win against an Arkansas team that (a) has a horrendous defense and (b) has completely imploded.

I feel so bad for John L. Smith that I just wanna buy him a puppy. Or maybe some ice cream or something. Which is why I’m taking the Razorbacks. I’m sorry, but I just can’t bet against the man. I’m worried about him, y’all. Plus, the Hogs are due.

Mississippi at Alabama -31.5

Know what Alabama hasn’t done since their opener against Michigan? Steamroll someone. Well, except Arkansas and they don’t count because they’re coach is locked in a rubber room, eating ice cream and playing with his puppy, patiently waiting for the lithium drop to kick in. Bama’ll win. It’ll never be close. But they won’t cover.

Missouri at Central Florida -2.5

Is this really considered an SEC game? Because if you tell me that your first thought at seeing this match up was “SEC game,” then you’re a a bigger liar than UCF coach George O’Leary. The number of thoughts I have on this game can best be summed up by a Charlie Sheen Robert Downey Jr. movie. (I’m a dumbass and initially typed Charlie Sheen on accident. Thanks to commenter Meg for calling me out!) Less Than Zero. Still, I gotta make a pick so hang tight.

Okay. I just flipped a dead stink bug. Heads it was, so I’m taking Mizzou. You know. In the name of conference pride(?).

Towson at LSU

There’s no line on the LSU-Towson game because it’s the LSU Towson game.

Tennessee at Georgia -14

I’m just gonna say it — I’m terrified of this game. I’ll be curious to see if Georgia cornerback Malcom Mitchell, who’s drawn Champ Bailey comparisons, will pose any problems for Tyler Bray and the Vols’ passing attack.

Even if the offense can somehow get it going (something Bray has never really accomplished against a top-tier SEC opponent), we’d still need our defense to play much better than they have the past coupla of weeks.

The good news is that McCullers will get plenty of snaps. Dude is a beast and could wreak havoc on a depleted Georgia offensive line that lost three 2011 starters to the NFL draft.

This is a tough one, though, so I think I might just take the over. It’s at 61.5, but I think they got it wrong. Athens is rowdy, y’all. I bet there’ll be 70, maybe 80 Butt Chugging signs.

I’m taking the VOLS, but I’m worried that this could get ugly. Especially if they come out and punch us in the mouth and the crowd starts some bad Butt Chug chant midway through the first quarter.

But you never know — the Dawgs could be looking past the Vols to their Oct. 6 showdown with the Gamecocks, thus leaving the door open for an upset that would greatly lift spirits here in Ktown, a place where spirits have been known to be right there at the bottom.


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facebook comments:

  • Meg

    Was Charlie Sheen in “Less Than Zero”…I don’t think so–and your picks this year…well, I am a little disappointed, it seems you are loosing your focus! Can not imagine why.

    • admin

      AH! I totally meant Robert Downey Jr. and said Charlie Sheen maybe b/c he was so hardcore and that movie’s kinda hardcore? regardless — great call out! thank you!

  • Father Muskrat

    I went 10-6 last weekend in one pool I have and 15-11 in another. Whenever you swallow enough pride to ask for help, I’m glad to help collaborate with you on these little weekly predictions.

    Incidentally, I guarantee the Tide does NOT fail to cover this weekend (I correctly picked Ole Miss last weekend)!

    • admin

      hey, now! i was 3-1-1 this week — only a first half anomaly in the S Carolina / KY game keeping me from going 4-1! and i dunno about the Tide covering. i’m getting a funny feeling that they may not quite be the HMIC (HeadMotherFuckerInCharge) everyone’s convinced they are.

      and all stink bug stories are hilarious. till they happen to you, brother!

  • Father Muskrat

    PS- the stink bugs story is hilarious!