all VOL, y'all.

SEC predictions week 8: I’m still on a damn roll

That’s right. I just went all Dennis Rogan on you.

Don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful. Because that’s exactly what I am after going 5-2 last week. And if Mississippi State’s Malcom Johnson doesn’t go all ESPY on us during the last play from scrimmage in the entire game, that’d be 5-1-1. But it’s not. It’s 5-2 and I’ll take it because it means that I’m 12-5-1 in my last 18.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it. For the year, I’m now 3 games above 500 — 24-21-1 — and I got some more locks for you this week. Here they are:

LSU (-3.5) at Texas A&M

I don’t get this line. Sure, they beat South Carolina at home, but Mettenberger was 12/25 for 148 yards and one pick. Not exactly dominating. He’ll get outplayed badly by Johnny Manziel who’s having a sick-ass season to be certain. How sick-ass? So sick-ass that SI’s Chris Lowe has ranked him the best player in the SEC thus far. (Which kinda pisses me off, that one of the new teams has the SEC’s best player at the mid-season point, even if Lowe is wrong. The SEC’s best player so far has been South Carolina’s Jadeveon Clowney.)

Anyway, LSU needed 10 fourth-quarter points to beat the Gamecocks at home. But this week they’re on the road which means they can’t rely on a bourbon-fueled crowd to lift them as the minutes dwindle to precious few. Plus, this thing kicks at 11 central time which will be tough for both teams, tougher still, though, if you’re the on on the road. Everything sets up too well for A&M. I think they’ll win outright.

But I guarantee the cover. Take the points and the Aggies at home.

Auburn at Vanderbilt (-6.5)

Here. I went ahead and did it for you. Did what for you? Why, took a picture of that line, of course. Because you’ll never see Vanderbilt favored by nearly a touchdown against Auburn again. Ever. Drag it to your desktop, then put it somewhere safe and show your kids in like 20 years when they call bullshit on you.


You’re welcome.

I took Vandy for the first time all year last week and they shit the bed on me. But re-thinking it, +9 was probably a tall order against Florida. But -6.5 against Auburn is not. Because I have it on good authority that Satan has stolen the Tigers’ football swagger. Lay the points and take the Dores.

South Carolina at Florida (-3.5)

Such an interesting game. First, there are some injuries to be aware of. Marcus Lattimore has a hip issue and Jadeveon Clowney has a hurt foot. Of the two, Clowney is a better bet to play on Saturday and as long as he does, I like the Gamecocks. Driskel can’t throw the ball. He was just 11/20 for 77 yards against Vanderbilt. Yes. He can run like hell. But if Clowney’s around, it’s gonna be hard to get to the corner and I have a feeling that a one-dimensional game manager won’t get it done against South Carolina two times in a row. (Because that’s exactly what Mettenberger did last week, but still…)

I’m taking the road dog in this one. And if the Cocks win outright, what an exciting race in the East we’d have!

Georgia (-27.5) at Kentucky

That’s a ton of points, but as fast and as sharply as Kentucky is falling, betting on them’s like trying to catch a dagger. I actually think that Joker Phillips is the new John L. Smith. Last week, after getting waxed by Smith’s Razorbacks, Joker was asked about his recent communications with Kentucky AD Mitch Barnhart. The insinuation being that Phillip is about to get the ax.

Joker’s answer:

“We talk a couple times a week…It’s just a small talk. It’s nothing — you know, he’s been very encouraging and nothing what you want to get at.

“One thing Mitch and I, we’re friends, and that’s more important to me than anything on the business side. We are friends. And I can tell you this: There’s not a lot of people out there that can say they are friends. There’s not a lot. One of the things I do cherish and appreciate is our friendship.”

That’s so awesome, Joker! And you’re right. Not a lot of people out there can say they’re friends. You know what else that not a lot of people out there can say? That they’re college football coaches. Soon you won’t be able to say that, either. Even so, that doesn’t mean that you and your BFF Mitch can’t totally grab a latte together. Because you can. That’s what friends DO, my man. They drink lattes together. And whatnot.

I don’t love it, but things are blowing up at Kentucky. Take the (nearly) four-touchdown favorite on the road to get it done.

Middle Tennessee at Mississippi State (-18.5)

What’s a Blue Raider? Like a sad robber, maybe?

And why do Bulldogs ring cowbells? These are just two of the more compelling questions about a game I couldn’t give two shits about. There’s never been a more unproven top 20 team than Mississippi State. But, there’s also never been a lower ranked 6-0 team. So I guess it all evens out.

It sounds like a lot of points to me. I mean, the one thing the Blue Raiders can do is score. (Which should totally cheer them up.) And Mississippi State is bound to be hungover after beating the Vols. So I’ll take MTSU in this one. Though I am praying they don’t win. Because it’d be humiliating to be the Blue Raider’s bitch by association.

Alabama (-20) at Tennessee

Oh, brother. This is the part where I admit to being a sheep despite the fact that I (somewhat) scolded the sheep in a post I wrote earlier this week. Because I was struck with the craziest notion yesterday — We can win this game, damn it! I mean, the energy is there. The players aren’t just saying the right things — they’re saying it like they mean it.

Plus, Alabama hasn’t really played a great offense yet (Michigan and Ole Miss probably the best, given that Arkansas was without Tyler Wilson), so I’m kinda thinking we can get this done. And the cover? C’mon, man — we’re catching THREE TOUCHDOWNS. AT HOME! It’s a LAY UP.

So, yeah. Those were all my thoughts yesterday. Then I did a little research for this post:

We may score 38 points a game. But Bama scores 40. Against normal defenses. Lord only knows what they’ll put on us. And they’ve got a coupla really good running backs that’ll make us play honest, so I’m worried that’ll open the door for AJ McCarron to have a bigger-than-normal game against a slower-than-normal secondary. Especially if we can’t get to the quarterback.

And you gotta think Saban’s gonna try to add insult to injury to the season his former linebackers coach has been suffering through thus far. Just to kinda scold him for bailing on the Tide to join one of its rivals. Because Saban’s a total maniacal dick like that.

You can tell by his hair.

And then there’s this: Alabama, under Saban, has OWNED Tennessee, winning all of their games by an average of over 21 points. Add all that up and throw in a hurt Rajion Neal? Sorry guys. I’m still a part-time sheep and all. And on Saturday, I’ll be like “I think we can win,” and I’ll believe it, too. But only because I’ll likely have been drinking.

So the sober, sane me? After looking at all the numbers I think the Tide’s gonna cover. Good God how I hope I’m wrong.



facebook comments:

  • Leatherhead Jones

    You fucking prick. I don’t know who you are, but I could do a flying ninja kick to your scrotum for picking Alabama. Is nothing sacred with you you inbred pig fucker.

    • all VOL, y’all.

      now, now, Leatherhead Jones. no need to get all uppity. you never know — i could have been doing the ol’ reverse jinx. WHICH, of course, you’ve now totally FUCKED UP because I was forced to admit it as much. so way to go. Dick.

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