all VOL, y'all.

SEC predictions week 9: It’s all fun and games till someone messes with the damn gnome.

So I was on this sick-ass roll till last week came and I went 1-5. Would love to talk more about it, but I’d rather talk about the gnome you see pictured above. He’s going to Columbia and I’m reasonably certain he’s gonna bring back a W.

I’m also reasonably certain that he’s going to turn my luck around. Remember kids, before going 1-5, I had been 12-5-1 in my prior 18. But figures don’t lie (liars just figure), and I can’t escape the reality that for the year, I’m once again under 500: 25-26-1.

What? Like you’d be doing better, I suppose?

Hey, I got an idea. Go start your own blog and wow everyone with your prognosticating wizardry. Dick.

But just remember — I got the damn GNOME on my side. So shit’s goin’ down this week. You may wanna take notes:

Massachusetts at Vanderbilt (-32.5)

I would seriously rather jack off a jaguar than watch this game. Can you imagine if you were going? And how lame it’d be? You know. Assuming you’re over the age of 10?

I think they should make prisoners watch it. Though now that I think about it, I don’t believe you’re allowed to dole out cruel and unusual punishment, so we might have a bit of a constitutional issue there.

This is the second week in a row that Vandy has been a favorite. Last week they were giving Auburn nearly 7 and despite the fact it didn’t look right, I still took ‘em. And I lost. Which is why I’m taking UMass in this one. Because Vanderbilt giving ANYONE 32.5 seems weird to me. Take UMass, yet promise me you’ll avoid this game at all costs.

Mississippi State at Alabama (-23)

Second biggest SEC game of the week — biggest in the West. When do you think the last time an undefeated team was a 23-point underdog? I’m going with nineteen-ninety-NEVER. That’s when. Dan Mullin’s got the cowbells believing. And Alabama’s about to enter a tough stretch what with LSU and Texas A&M waiting in the wings.

I don’t think Bama will be looking past Mississippi State. But I do think that Saban’s smart enough to know that his team’s entering a gauntlet of sorts. As such, he’ll more concerned about getting the job done and less concerned about style points.

This one will never be seriously close and the Tide will win easily — but they will NOT cover.

Texas A&M (-14.5) at Auburn

Auburn giving over two touchdowns at home. Gene Chizik’s wife thinks that Satan is responsible. But I’m not with her. I just think it’s her husband’s shitty coaching. Can you imagine how much fun it’ll be to talk about Auburn once they hire Petrino? Oh my. Petrino. Tiger walks. All kinds of jokes there that I won’t be quite clever enough to make. But at least I’ve got time to think about them.

Johnny Football had a rough outing last and I’m guessing it’s because his nickname is Johnny Football. Remember Don Mattingly? They called him Donny Baseball and he always rubbed me the wrong way. (Though I did like him on that one episode of the Simpsons… ) He came off like such a blowhard. But it’s hard not to come off like a blowhard when your nickname is an entire sport.

Anyway, this is the week Manziel gets it back on track. And by “gets it back on track” I mean gets it to where he doesn’t turn the ball over four times. A&M for the W and the cover.

Kentucky at Missouri (-14)

This one gives the UMass–Vandy game a serious run for its money. Two teams, winless in conference play going at it. The loser will likely be tied with the VOLS in last place in the East.

Hold please.

Okay. I’m back. Just typing that last line compelled me to pop a Prozac real quick. (What’s happened to us, y’all?)

Anyway, and again, it’s close to being as bad of a game as the UMass–Vandy game, but as bad as it is, it’s not quite at the level of penitentiary punishment.

But I could see a bunch of homophobic frat guys making their pledges watch it.

Lay the points, take Mizzou, and remember frat boys — no butt chugging.

Mississippi at Arkansas (-6)

This is my five-star lock of the week. Both teams can score, but Arkansas has a next-level talent in quarterback Tyler Wilson. Yes, he got off to a tough start, what with the injury and all. Which is why the entire team was slow to get out of the blocks. Exactly why the Razorbacks never covered the number early in the year.

Guess what? Go look at their last three games. They’re playing great, but they shit the bed so bad coming out of the blocks, that they’re still carrying that stigma with them. Which is why the number has been slow to react. And exactly why the folks playing the Hogs have been WINNERS of late.

Arkansas covers again this week. And it’s not even close.

Florida (-7) vs Georgia

This is the biggest SEC game of the week as well as my second favorite play. I cannot believe the number. I think it’s so high because the Gator Nation is swelling with pride. And the jorts-wearing octogenarians are POUNDING the table and LOADING on the Gators, leaving oddsmakers to do whatever it takes to split the books.

I don’t care what’s happened the last couple of weeks. That number is way too high. In fact, I kinda think Georgia wins outright. But don’t get all silly and play the moneyline on me, Tex.

Just take the points and the Bulldogs.

Tennessee at South Caroline (-14)

So do you want me to be a fan or be honest? Leatherhead Jones demands that I be a fan.

And I’ll comply. Know why? I AM A FAN, damn it.

Here’s the deal, though — I don’t see it, y’all. I think Connor Shaw goes nuts-o on our secondary. I also think that Clowney shuts the door on our second string running back and probably has Bray on his back a time or two before the night’s over.

Still, find me an offensive line that’s playing as well as Tennessee and I’ll show you a team that’s winning. Of course, show me a defense that’ playing as bad as ours, and I’ll show you a team that’s losing no matter how well their O-line’s playing.

Anyway, I still think there’s a chance. A slim one, but a chance, I say, that we ruin-ruin Spurrier’s season and get the W in Columbia. The fact that it’s at noon definitely helps us.

But not as much as the damn gnome making the journey. Because the game’s in his hands.

Take the Vols and the points and let’s all root for a little magic this weekend, regardless of where you are with our coach. These kids are playing their guts out. And I want them to know what it feels like to beat a quality team.

GO VOLS!

PS — I wrote this post in like 15 minutes. No proofreading. That’s why there was a bunch of mistakes. Sorry about that…

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