all VOL, y'all.

This Week’s SEC Locks

they wouldn’t build all this shit if people consistently beat the number, y’all.

Okay, that’s total bullshit. The title, that is. I mean, they didn’t build pyramids in the desert because people win at gambling. But people are also stupid, which means all those dimwitted types skew the numbers, right?

And you, my friend, aren’t stupid. Well, you might be, but I’d never tell you that, primarily because I do my very best to avoid confrontational exchanges with dipshits like you. No offense.

But you’re not offended because you’re smart, right? Which means that whole pyramid-in-the-desert bit doesn’t apply to you. Because you crush the man.

You know, if it weren’t for those pesky Thursday night match ups you’re practically forced to play. I mean, shit, you don’t wanna sit around with nothing to do, right? So, yeah, Pitt and the over, it was. Good call (dipshit).

But, still, in a perfect world you’d play only the games you like, not those gun-to-your-head Monday nighters. I mean, If I played only the games I really, really liked, I swear I’d win. But I’d only win for a few weeks, because my five-star locks really do hit more than they miss, only they’re typically conference match ups that go down in the heart of the season. Once the year is mature enough to give us an idea of what’s what.

And we’re not there yet. Which means that everything I’m about to tell you is a total guess. Unless I say it’s not, in which case it’s a game I’m claiming isn’t a guess, but it’s truly anyone’s guess as to whether or not it’s a guess because I’m kinda neurotic and have difficulty drawing crisp lines between black and white, and am instead prone to lurking about in the gray, though not in the 50-shades-of variety, because that’d just be weird, but by now I’m rambling.

So, without further ado, I give you my take on this week’s games in the SEC. In no particular order:

Georgia at Missouri

It’s this week’s most compelling SEC match up — Missouri’s first SEC game ever. And a lot of people are thinking that the Tigers are going to get the upset. But those people are wrong. Because Missouri’s gonna play with a chip on their shoulder, going all Billy Badass to try and prove they belong in the SEC. Which, let’s face it, they don’t. But neither does Kentucky or Vanderbilt, so there’s no use in picking on the Tigers.

But there’s no use in picking the Tigers, either. Because UGA is going to cover the 2.5.

East Carolina at South Carolina

I’ll be the first to admit that Conner Shaw didn’t look that great against Vanderbilt. But I’ll also be the first to admit that he did look like the illegitimate love child of Billy Corgan and Brian Urlacher.

So there’s that.

Lookalikes not withstanding, East Carolina jumped all over the Gamecocks in last year’s season opener, going up 17-0, as ineffective starting QB Billy Urlacher Bryan Corgan Connor Shaw eventually got the hook, allowing Stephen Garcia to come off the bench and rally the troops for a 56-37 victory SC victory. This year, there is no Stephen Garcia to come off the bench, and while I don’t think the Pirate’s defense will be as stout as Vanderbilt’s (which looked pretty damn good), I also don’t think a banged up Shaw is suddenly going to pull it all together. Yes, Lattimore will get his. Yes the Gamecocks will win. No, they won’t cover the number.

Take the 21 points and the Pirates. Matey.

Auburn at Mississippi State

I’m going with the whole this-just-doesn’t-look-right theory on this one. Because it doesn’t. Mississippi State favored over Auburn?

Ah, but now I’m gonna do the ol’ fade-your-pick bit (which is really hard because of the aforementioned neuroses which sometimes makes it difficult for me to tell which was my true original pick, hence which pick I should fade, only this time it’s easy because I was using the this-just-doesn’t-look-right theory).

End result? Therapy. And Mississippi State -3. They’ll cover. I’m betting next week’s session on it.

Florida at Texas A&M

Did I say that the UGA-Mizzou game was the most compelling game? Because this one’s close. I’m leaning Aggie because it’s at home and Florida looked like shit last week. But this site’s call all VOL y’all for a reasons best explained by the following rationale — bet the house on the Gators to cover the 1 point so that they’ll roll into Ktown a bit overconfident next week. Wouldn’t that be great? Seriously, Vol fans, pull for the Gators in this one.

Western Kentucky at Alabama

Word on the street is that Nick Saban’s so confident going into the Western Kentucky game, he may not even wear his shoe inserts on Saturday. He will, however, still rely heavily upon creative combing, a high-quality hair dryer and strategically placed headsets.

Even so, you’re a fool if you bet against Bama. Lay the 38.5 and get on with it.

Georgia State at Tennessee

So, is there a line? I mean, didn’t they just start that program like last week or something? Even if there were a line, would you seriously bet on it? I hope not.

Fuckin’ junkie.

Louisiana Monroe at Arkansas

Back in college, I used to have this theory that went like this: Early season heavy favorites in out of conference games are sure bets. And if memory serves me right, I always had a square meal to eat in college.

Like, you know, literally a square meal, as in Ramen Noodles. Because I was always broke and you get get five of those bad boys for like a dollar or something. And I wasn’t always broke because I was pounding the man. Therefore, fade my theory and take Louisiana Monroe and the 30 points.

Washington at LSU

I used to live in the state of Washington and every now and then I’d go to one of the UW games and tailgate with the Northwesterners. They’d be all like “is this tailgate what it’s like in the Southeast?” and I’d be all like “Seriously. I’m having a pleasant time. This is really nice. But don’t start comparing this mediocre cheese dip your tree-hugging, action-sandal-wearing troll of a girlfriend prepared to the land of milk and honey that is an SEC tailgate.”

What a bunch of dipshits.

Nothing to do with the game, but still, LSU’s gonna destroy those losers. I can’t believe the number’s only 24. All kidding aside, I love this game.

UTEP at Mississippi

Hmm. Dart board. Get one out, get creative, throw some darts, make a pick. That means UTEP, people. Plus the 7.

Kent State at Kentucky

This game brought to you by the letter K. As in, I’d rather K-ill myself than watch these two perennial losers battle it out. Only the fact that I’m still in therapy over the Kentucky loss last year is pushing me toward the Wildcats to cover the 7.

Actually, fuck those guys. Take Kent State and the points.

Vanderbilt at Northwestern

So wait, is this a football game or a scholar bowl? This is the exact type of game Vanderbilt has to win in order to find themselves in another bowl game at the end of this year. A game gainst one of the few teams on their schedule that can’t simply blow them away with better athletes. So, on paper, they should win, but it’ll be tight.

Northwestern beat Syracuse in an absolute shootout last week and while they won’t be able to have their way against Vanderbilt’s defense like they did against the Orangemen, I have a feeling they’ll be fired up for getting off to a 2-0 start and, as such, they’ll give Vanderbilt a run for their money.

Take Northwestern and the 3.5 at home for the cover.

And be sure to come back on Monday to find how we did and, more importantly, to find out the 10 things we learned about the Vols from the Georgia State game.

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