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Translating Te’o: The Truth About Manti

Translating Te'o

So, Katie Couric’s interview with Manti Te’o will be airing tomorrow (Thursday). But before we can make any sense out of that, first we gotta make sense of the off-camera deal with ESPN’s Jeremy Schaap, right? Which is why I read the “highlights” of that interview as posted on ESPN’s website.

Highlights my ass. That damn thing was like reading War and Peace — over 14,000 words. Plus, it was confusing as hell because (a) the story is incredibly convoluted, and (b) there were lots of quotes where Manti wasn’t exactly clear. So I decided to remedy the situation.

See, I’ve cut and pasted the most important of the highlights down below for your convenience. But not just that, I’ve also translated much of what Te’o has said. Which means that, thanks to me, you don’t have to waste a bunch of time by culling through all 14,000 words of this preposterous saga. Plus, my Te’o translations make the story far easier to understand. Why would I take the time to do this, you might wonder?

Because helping people is my passion.

Oh. And so is being a dick. Which is why I’ve interjected some snarky comments here and there. Without further ado:

Translating Te’o

On how he met Lennay Kekua:

MANTI TE’O: She friend requested me on Facebook the winter of my freshman year. And I introduced myself through a message… I’m Manti. I saw you friend requested me, feel free to talk.
TRANSLATING TE’O: I realize this is how onlinesex-workers troll for johns, but she was different. I could tell from her font.

On when they started to become close:

MANTI TE’O: It was my junior year. We were about to play Purdue… and she called me at the hotel. She said “Hey, I’m going through some hard times with my boyfriend and just want you to be there for me.”

Soon, Lennay had deeper issues to deal with:

MANTI TE’O: She told me her dad passed away… I was… that shoulder to cry on.
TRANSLATING TE’OI will be your father figure. Put your tiny hand in mine.

So now, they’re tight. Not exclusive, but tight. On how he found out about her car wreck:

MANTI TE’O: I got a phone call from her brother Noa (Kainoa)… [He said] “Bro call me back, Lennay got in a car accident.”
TRANSLATING TE’O: At that moment, Lennay’s brother and I became bromantically involved.

On communicating with Lennay who was in a coma:

MANTI TE’O: [Noa] would put me… right next to her mouth and I could hear the ventilator going…The nurse noticed that whoever was on the phone with her, she must have recognized the voice because she would start breathing quicker…
TRANSLATING TE’O: Have you ever had someone you’re bromantically involved with “put you” right next to the mouth of your comatose girlfriend who, in fact, is also his sister. Bromance? Pretend girlfriends? Siblings? Ventilators? She wasn’t the only one breathing quicker. I had a boner with a capital O.

On why he never visited her in the hospital:

MANTI TE’O: It never really crossed my mind.
TRANSLATING TE’O: What? I wouldn’t visit the tooth fairy, either.

Let’s take a break, shall we? And enjoy this picture I took of myself Te’oing.

translating te'o

Continue reading over at Tennessee Sports Radio by clicking HERE. Just skim down past the picture you just saw to pick up where you left off. And I’ll be on with TSR with Erik Ainge and JayBay tomorrow (Thursday) around 9:30-ish.

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