all VOL, y'all.

What the Vols Have in Common with the Octomom

The Octomom has delivered time and time again. Will Dooley finally do the same?

The Tennessee football Vols and Nadya Suleman (better known as the Octomom) have more in common than you might think. You know the Octomom, right? She’s the IVF junkie with 14 kids, eight of ’em coming in one fell swoop via her well-documented 2008 pregnancy. She kinda looks like a poor man’s Angelina Jolie. Well, a really poor man. Like the poorest dude ever.

Anyway, the Octomom is in the news again, recently telling HLN  “I don’t think you can get farther, deeper down into the rock bottom than we are at this point.”

Kinda like the Vols.They’ve had a losing record three out of the past four seasons, and the lone winning campaign ended on a sour note thanks to the ass-whopping Frank Beamer handed Lane Kiffin as a going away present.

Or for being such a pussy. Anyone’s guess.

Regardless, the Derek Dooley era began shortly thereafter. Some saw the acquisition of Dooley as little more than an overcorrection, while others praised the hire via platitudes littered with phrases like “cultural fit” and “high integrity.”

How to describe Dooley’s tenure may still be up for debate, but this much isn’t: when doing so, you can’t use the word “winner.” Because he’s never proven to be one. Not at Louisiana Tech. And not at UT. Under his watch, the Vols have endured back-to-back losing seasons and are three games under .500.

What’s more, the last time they took the field, Tennessee suffered its first loss to Kentucky since the Reagan administration. Despite the fact that the Wildcats lined up a wide receiver under center who led his team to just 10 points. Even so, you could still see the L coming from a mile away thanks to the most listless performance I’ve ever seen from the Vols (with the possible exception of the Wyoming debacle). I really hope the Kentucky loss was Tennessee’s rock bottom. If so, at least it won’t be anywhere near as ugly as the Octomom’s rock bottom.

Shortly before filing for personal bankruptcy on April 30th, the Octomom posed nude for Britain’s Closer magazine (for a whopping eight grand). But she ain’t no ho, y’all. She told People magazine “I would need to be with someone for years, not months, for something to manifest into anything more. I don’t even touch my own darn self unless I’m washing with soap!”

If that last bit’s true, one thing’s for sure. Ol’ Nadya’s got one clean-ass kitty. Because she has, indeed, been touching her “own darn self.” In a masturbation video she recently starred in. (Let’s try Things that will eternally ruin my enjoyment of vaginas for 100, Alex.)

Okay, quick: what will they call this film?

Octo-pilot? You know, a play on auto-pilot, like she’s leaning back and goin’ all auto-pilot for the camera? No? Not good?

Okay. How ’bout:

Procto-mom!  Wait. That’s probably what her next flick will be called.

Holy shit. I got it.

No Coctomom.

I can hear it now: Nadya Suleman takes matters in her own hands in… No Coctomom.

No Coctomom The Octomom, reflected upon her masturbatory (totally a word — Google it) experience somewhat manically to HuffPo:  “I owe a lot to Wicked Pictures contract star Jessica Drake; she opened my eyes to a whole different world of self-pleasure that I could have never imagined. They made me look so glamorous, and for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and sexy.”

It’s unclear whether or not it was also the first time in her life she’d felt dead and wrong.

Anyway, the Vols’ rock bottom can’t be that ugly. That much of a self parody. That humiliating. At least that’s what I think. And this May, like each of countless that have come before it, I’m optimistic. I can feel it. There’s too much on the line this year. For the coach, the team, and the program.

Plus, that Da’Rick shit is behind us and it’s entirely possible that Tennessee’s big three of Bray, Rogers and Hunter will regain their form (and chemistry) of less than a year ago. If so, that’d surely open up some holes <cough>  Octomom! <cough> for Rajion Neal, Marlin Lane, and Devrin Young who’ll be galloping behind an experienced line looking to rebound from their sophomore slump.

And with a linebacking core that touts A.J. Johnson, Curt Maggitt, Jacques Smith, Herman Lathers and LaTroy Lewis? I kinda like what I think Sal Sunseri’s 3-4 defense could look like.

So, yeah. We’re winning next season. Eight games. Minimum. Because of all that shit I just said.

Though, I hope I’m not just stroking myself off before some inevitable letdown.

Like the Octomom.

facebook comments:

  • Sarah

    I really, really, really, really want to make fun of Tennessee but the truth is this – I went to UCF. I can’t say shit.